Meet Kelly...Absolutely Awesome, Adorable, Admirable, Adoptive Mom!

This year I am participating in The Adoption Blogger Interview Project. Anyone in the adoption blogging realm throws their name in the mix and are paired with someone else to expand all of our adoption horizons a bit :) I am blessed because I was introduced to someone on the other side of the fence and got to know a little about a woman living out the heart of God with regards to adoption. Her name is Kelly. Her story is one of an adoptive parent, adoption advocate, wife, and child of God. **Not in that particular order**

I had the pleasure of asking her questions about being an adoptive mommy, the non-profit she and her husband started, called The Sparrow Fund and also a great little store called The Nest, that helps adoptive families all over the world. This is one busy woman to be sure! Read more about her life, mission, and passion in the following interview questions.


1) For you personally, what was the biggest challenge to adopting?

We did a lot of training. I read a lot of books, read a lot of blog posts. I was prepared for our daughter to have challenges attaching. I was not prepared for my own response to those challenges. It was hard when she didn't see me as her mommy. It was hard when she preferred my husband's care over my own. We danced a bit with our attachment process. When I acted like her mother and she'd showed any sign of responding like my daughter, I'd respond in kind, and the cycle would continue. It took a good while for us to dance well together as mother and daughter. But, we got there. Some days we aren't always in sync. But, we're still dancing.


2) In International adoption, what place do birth families have?

In any adoption, birth families play a significant role exclusive only to them. They were our children's first families; we cannot not acknowledge that role even if we do not know them at all. In many international adoptions, particularly in China, birth families' identities are mysteries, leaving many more questions than answers for our children. But, the mystery doesn't negate the significance of their role in our children's lives. We look for opportunities to talk about birth families in general and our daughter's birth family more specifically, always aiming to honestly honor them. We keep it casual and normal so that our children all know that we are comfortable with whatever questions may come up whenever they come up.


3) What kind of support and encouragement do you provide through "The Sparrow Fund"?

We had only been home a few months with our daughter when we felt compelled to do something to support adoption. We found that there were some great organizations ministering to orphans directly all over the world as well as promoting adoption, but there were few nonprofits committed to serving the families who brought those children home. We started The Sparrow Fund with the mission of supporting and encouraging adoptive families through grants so that they could enroll in programs to receive preadoption counsel, support while they travel to bring their child home, and postadoption support. We have more recently taken on a more active support role ourselves, providing training opportunities for adoptive families in all seasons of their family life - waiting to adopt up through parenting older children. The response to these trainings and opportunities to be encouraged alongside other families has been overwhelming.


4) I noticed that "The Sparrow Fund" only supports International adoptions...why not domestic adoptions also?

We actually do support all adoptive and foster families through the trainings we offer. We are hosting our first couples' retreat (Together Called) this February. The couples attending represent all sorts of adoptive experiences from fostering to adopt, private domestic adoptions, sibling group or older child adoption, special needs adoptions, and adoptions from all over the world. The grants we give are specific to international adoptions only because the programs we help families enroll in focus on reviewing the referral and providing support to families to better help them understand that referral of a child they cannot physically meet and have evaluated here in the states prior to committing to adopting him or her. International and domestic adoptions are very unique regarding the extent of information families are able to have prior to finalizing an adoption.


5) What kind of, if any, incentives or special funding do you provide for special needs adoptions?

We view all adoptions as being special needs adoptions to some extent. There are issues adopted children deal with and need to process that requires special attention from parents. There is always brokenness before an adoption even takes place. And, these precious children are in the middle of that brokenness, resulting in what we feel is a special need. For some children who have been in varied foster homes, have experienced abuse or neglect, were institutionalized, there can be very significant special needs as a result. Our grants and training we provide to families are not exclusively for families who are adopting "special needs children," according to the more commonly understood definition. All adoptive families need the support we are seeking to provide to them.


6) Tell me about "The Nest",  the women who make the jewelry, and how the profits are used.

The Nest has become an incredible way for us to broaden the reach of our support to adoptive families. Through The Nest, we have been able to support adoptive families in Nairobi, Kenya as well as help fund our programs for adoptive families stateside. Through personal friends, we have embraced a collaborative of women in Nairobi who make paper bead jewelry as well as peanut butter that they sell and trade in their local marketplace. They pool all their earnings and distribute according to need amongst the women and their families, most of which are adoptive families. We have become their major source of provision as we sell their wares on Etsy and at events. With the women's full support and joy over being a part of our work, about half of each sold item gets wired to Nairobi to these women while the other half supports our programs.


7) What is one thing you would most like to tell people about your life's mission?

As a family, we are truly seeking to glorify God by caring for people - through The Sparrow Fund, we feel like we are able to do that as we provide a way for families to get the support they need as well as offer opportunities for them to continue getting support long after "Gotcha Day." Our days are full and often extend well into the night in order for us to keep up with it all. But, we're excited about where we are and where God's leading us next.

Kelly with her babies

Kelly's blogging home is: My Overthinking -- hop on over there to learn more, purchase from 'The Nest', or find out how to get involved!

Birthmom Input

Hey birthmoms! I am once again being given the platform this Friday to speak about all things adoption/birthmom. Here is where I would like some input: If you are a birthmom, what do you want adoptive parents to think about/know/consider about the birthmother side of adoption? Keep it to one paragraph and email it to: cindylouhoohoo@gmail.com. I love sharing others stories/input when speaking! And feel free to pass this on to any birthmoms you know.

Thanks :)

Cynthia

Dear Birth Mother

Remember that day? The first day you laid eyes on your sweet child? The moments after you gave birth, the cry of your baby, the cutting of the umbilical cord? Did you have nurses watching you so intently it made you feel uncomfortable? I know I felt like I was under a microscope. I also know I didn’t like what I saw of myself when I was lo0king through the lens. That day…the start of the most painful season of my life. 6 years ago today was my day.
     All the emotion, all the memories snuck up on me last night as I recounted my hours of labor. I remember who was there, I remember who wasn’t. I remember clutching my baby boy for two solid days as if the tighter I held the more my reality was going to change for the better.  As if I could hold him tight enough that somehow I could meld him permanently to me and I wouldn’t have to let him go. I remember my constant tears and pleas to God for my situation to miraculously change so we could go home together just like any other mother coming to the hospital to give birth.
     I am reminded that the most intimate and personal memories of my pregnancy/childbirth are mine and mine alone. Because the key players in that season of my life have now passed on.
     Who do you share your memories with? Do you still feel alone? Are you years out of your adoption yet you still feel like that broken girl laying in the hospital bed crying herself to sleep?
     Does time seem to have left you behind with no good reason to catch up or move on? You are not alone. God remembers you. And God remembers the day. You may share no memories with anyone else, but God shares them with you. He was there. He watched your little one being born, He watched them cut the cord, and He looked upon you with love. He shared in your grief and sat patiently by your side, waiting. No, you weren’t alone and you still aren’t.
     Maybe your wound is heavily guarded and maybe you even do that in complete secrecy. Won’t you stop coddling it? Won’t you let light in? It hurts to expose it but it’s time to let down your guard. It’s time to let the Healer of all wounds in to let Him do what it is He wants to do.
     That baggage that you carry, it gets so heavy. Let the Lover of your soul carry it for you. Today is your day so let it all go. Today is your day, God’s beloved birthmother. I don’t claim to know what His plans are for you, but I know what is not in His plan for you and that is this: You were not created to carry the weight and sorrows of this life around with you constantly.  He sees your pain, He sees your sacrifice, your anger, your brokenness, and everything else.
     He loves you more than anyone ever and He is the key to truly overcoming your adoption grief, you just have to let Him in.
     Take heart because you are loved, you are valuable, and you are not alone.
Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.
Revelation 3:19-21

What Happened To Transparency, Triad?

I wonder what is/has happened to transparency in adoption? Has anyone seen it? What happened to the addage, “It’s not what’s on the outside but what’s on the inside that counts?” I’m so discouraged by the emphasis placed on Adoptive Parent profiles. Adoption is not a family vacation to Bermuda captured in pictures. It is a child. It’s a life. If ever there were a time in your life to be 100% real, 100% true to self, this is the time.
Here’s what I have not decided on — and maybe it’s a 50/50 split, but whose fault is it? Is the birthmother to blame? Are we as birthmothers, so superficial we supply the demand for “perfectly scrapbooked” lives (profiles)? Are adoptive parents so voraciously hungry for a child that they want professionally scrapbooked pages to show how wonderful they are and increase their chances of being chosen? I’m no fool, I know it’s both. But no matter where the blame lies, make no mistake, IT IS NOT RIGHT. There are businesses out there that will put your scrapbook together for you so that it looks the most professional. Adoption is a matter of the heart, it should not be a business! Those profile pages should whole-heartedly be you. Your sweat equity. Your love exuding.
I hear the argument that you may not be a good scrapbooker. I understand that completely because that would be me. Take heart AP, if a birthmother is so shallow she chooses based on how things look on those pages, all she ends up with is a AP that is good at scrapbooking or paying someone to do it for them. Do you want to be chosen based on that? Wouldn’t you rather be chosen because you are real and genuine? Wouldn’t you rather be blessed with a child because you stayed true to you rather than just putting on an awesome facade? No one, no one, can capture the essence of your family better than you. All a professional profile does is wrap your family in enticing packaging. If you’re all wrapped up in that, no one can really see the heart of what’s to offer in your package.
I know it must be tempting…you want a child so badly. I know. You don’t want the birthfamily to see any inadequecy that might spur them to on to another family. I really, really do understand. As a birthmother, I am wholeheartedly asking you to not give in to that temptation. Birthparents are choosing life for their child, they deserve to see “you”. Both sides, BP’s and AP’s, need to do a gut check. Adoption is so intense, there should be no room for superficiality. There’s not time and it’s not beneficial for the child. And that is who comes first right? 
If you as a birthmother picked a family because they had the best looking scrapbook (physically), all that means is (like I stated above) that your child either 1) will be taught how to scrapbook like a pro, or 2) they will know where to find someone that does know how. It doesn’t mean you picked a perfect family. No family is perfect.
If you as an adoptive parent inherently know how to scrapbook, show off your skills. I am not talking to you because obviously, it’s the real you. You are showing off a true skill you have and it’s coming from your heart. The teacher in me is thinking, “I want to see what you can do, not what someone else can do”. It feels like cheating in a very intimate sense because that profile will be what gets you your child. Not one single person should be doing the work involved for you.
Birthparents: DO NOT choose someone just because their profile is pretty. Do your homework, look past what is on the pages and make a decision based on the heart. What does it look like is important to this family, what qualities have they put forth for me to see the most of? What kind of character qualities (if any) do I see from these pages?
I find myself actually wondering how many of those ”perfect” profiles end up being the AP’s that cut all communication with BP’s once the adoption is finalized. I know that isn’t always the case, but I have to wonder…if an adoption begins with smoke and mirrors…why wouldn’t it continue in that form?
Today, I am including a chapter titled, “Who is Raising My Baby?” from my book, “Restorative Grief”. It is helpful for both BP’s and AP’s. on this subject.

Chapter 3

Who Is Raising My Baby?

            Jesus was raised by a mother and father that were not His biologically. They were just vessels God used to bring Light into the world. Every child brings light. Every child comes with a purpose. The purpose for my child was clear to me from the beginning. I knew Jesus meant for him to be a blessing to another couple. Jesus was not only a blessing to the world but also to first-time parents, Mary and Joseph.
            Let’s put the focus on them for a minute. They were first-time parents. They weren’t married when they found out they were pregnant (even though they had not sexually conceived Jesus). They were inexperienced parents. Do you think they got parenting Jesus 100 percent right?
            I don’t think they were perfect parents, but they were the perfect parents for the job. Much pressure is put on adoptive parents to be better than “normal” parents because they have to jump through hoops to prove they can do it. Birthparents don’t have to do that. Sometimes birthparents worry about the couple they are choosing. Sometimes birthparents have unrealistic expectations about how perfect their couple is or how perfect they should be.
            I am willing to bet that adoptive mother Mary had her fair share of mommy mess-ups! Think about this for a moment: Jesus was twelve years old when they went to Jerusalemfor the Feast of the Passover. When the Feast was over, Mary, Joseph, friends and family loaded up and headed home. Still traveling home a day later, they realized Jesus wasn’t with them. They had been careless and assumed he was among them. Then when they went back for Him, they didn’t find Him for three days. Imagine the panic these two parents felt! Especially having to travel for an entire day just to get to the place they saw Him last. They knew God saw all and they did not know how God was going to react. How humbling! All was well once they found Him, and all along it was God’s will, but they had to have been scared of God’s reaction to them losing His only child. The very child He chose them to parent! He knew; even before choosing them to be Jesus’ parents. Would you as a birthmother choose a couple you knew would lose your child for a few days? All parents mess up sometimes. We have to learn to be compassionate and understanding when we choose our baby’s parents, even as we watch them mess up sometimes. Mary’s house probably wasn’t even kid-proofed! Surely, Jesus drank the donkey shampoo at least once! But guess what? God still said, “Mary, you are chosen. You will be Jesus’ earthly mother.” He saw her every move, every thought, every fault, and still he chose her!
            My hope is that you chose your adoptive parents very prayerfully. God knows and leads you to the parents that are right. Even if you hadn’t thought of Jesus at all in your picking process, He had a hand in it. Rest assured. He helps us in spite of ourselves. Proverbs 19:21 says, “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Yet, even if you know they are the right ones, you may see a glimpse of their inadequacies at times. I can tell you that after giving birth, when my “chosen” parents came to the hospital, I was worried out of my mind! They were so nervous that they couldn’t change Joshua’s diaper; they had not the slightest clue on how to take care of a newborn child! Now, I knew my baby would be watched over not only by God, but overly-watched by his “chosen” parents, and man, I was concerned! I said lots of prayers and hoped that they would relax and not be so on edge. I came from a family that had babies around all the time so parenting came very naturally for me. It was hard to understand these parents!
            Adoptive parents have to go through the wringer to even be considered for a baby. Please understand that if they seem to be trying too hard, it’s because they are. They are working tirelessly for their hearts’ desire. They want you to like them and they are afraid for you to see anything less than perfection because if you do, you might not choose them. This is where God works. This is where God asks you to take a step back and accept exactly what you see in front of you, faults and insecurities and all. That’s what He does with us! So who are we to judge more critically than our own Father God?
Sometimes we get caught up in righteousness, though, and begin to think, “I wouldn’t do that, I would do it differently, I would do it better.” When we start thinking that way, it’s time to pray and ask for forgiveness. God’s plan is perfect. Our babies are right where they are meant to be and being parented the way they need to be. Psalm 71:5-6 says, “For you have been my hope, O sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth. From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you.” Just because it’s not our way doesn’t mean it’s not the right way. Don’t forget, however, that this is also the time He asks the adoptive parents to trust Him and let their inadequacies be seen. In a sense, He asks everyone on both sides of the equation to be transparent. Let’s look at a few verses from the Bible.
            Isaiah 26:4 says, “Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal.”
            John 14:1 says, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in Me (Jesus).”
            Psalm 28:7-8 states, “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song.”
            Do you see the word that appears in all these verses? TRUST. Trust is hard for many of us, especially those of us who are broken. However, it is essential for making your relationship with your baby and his/her adoptive parents work. Consider this for a moment: the whole relationship between you, your baby, and the adoptive parents is a circle. In the middle of that circle is God. The whole deal requires God at the center, to be the core around which all else is built.
            The baby relied on you while you were pregnant for its well-being. God led you to make the right choice when you found out you were pregnant. The adoptive parents have to trust not only in God to bring them a baby, but also on a faithful, selfless, loving woman to be a vessel. You have to trust that your baby IS a blessing, no matter what your circumstances were in getting pregnant. You had to have recognized that by the fact that you did not make a choice for abortion. You have to trust in God to bring you the right parents and to help you know when it’s right. You will have peace about your decision when it’s right. I have heard from countless birthmothers that they just knew immediately that the connection was right. That was how I felt, also. Now, I still did my research and checked out all of my options, but in my heart, I knew. You have to trust in the adoptive parents that, though they may be human and not super-parents, they are the right fit for your baby and you.
            Isaiah 48:17 says, “…I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.”
            God believed in Mary and Joseph. They weren’t millionaires. They couldn’t take Jesus to do and see all the coolest things of the times. They couldn’t dress him in designer smocks and sandals. They couldn’t guarantee anything, except that they would be faithful and loving all of His days on earth. There were days they were upset with Him, there were days He was just a typical child doing typical child things. As His parents, however, they loved Him everyday. Period.
            That is what I tell my children all the time. I love you period. Even when you seem unlovable, I still love you, and so does Jesus. Mary and Joseph were simply vessels trying to do their best as His parents. Adoptive parents are vessels. Birthparents are vessels. God fills the vessels. He equips the called, not the other way around. He uses our pasts to equip us to serve. He equipped Mary and Joseph. He handed His only Son over to imperfect people to raise. He was perfect, and still He chose imperfection.
            Moses was born into dire circumstances. His mother loved him dearly but knew that if he was discovered he would be killed in an effort to control the Israelite population. She hid him away for three months, until she could no longer conceal him, and then she put him in a papyrus basket and sent him down the river. She did not know if this fate would be any better or worse than his fate if she kept him. Her faith and love carried her. Pharaoh’s daughter found baby Moses and felt sorry for him. She, however, could not feed him, so she sent for a Hebrew woman to nurse the baby. That Hebrew woman was Moses’ mother. She returned Moses when he was older and he was raised by Pharaoh’s daughter. She watched her Hebrew son be raised in a powerful family and go on to do mighty things for the Lord. I can actually feel this mother’s heartache as she watches her beloved son grow. I picture her peeking over a fence, looking into her child’s life, aching to be reunited with him, but also doting over the man he was becoming because of the choice she had made. I also imagine her praying daily to be reunited with Moses, if not in this life then in the life to come.
            That is my prayer. Eternity with my baby…Dare to dream big for your baby. Dare to dream of your child’s soul being soaked in the grace and love of God until he or she makes it to the place of eternity. There, in that place, there are no more goodbyes. After relinquishment, we can and should still pray for our babies every day.
            We should not only pray for their physical safety here on this earth, but for their souls to crave and race towards God for the finish line of Eternity. If they make it and so do we, we will get to look into our children’s eyes everyday forever. That makes this little jaunt here on earth seem like nothing. That reduces your decision to relinquish to just a season, not forever.
            Rest in the Lord your God. Know that His plan is perfect. He wants the best for everyone involved, because everyone involved is a child of His! Don’t be afraid. There is pain in embracing the adoptive parents as extended family, but there is more pain in not doing that. Let God lead you as to how open your adoption is, but no matter what, the more solid you can make this relationship, the more trust you put in it, the better off your baby will be. Abundant blessings will come for everyone in the circle when God’s will is done and maintained. Trust. Trust. Trust.

10 Reasons To Adopt A Special Needs Child

I found that keeping this list to 10 reasons is..well…impossible. So my 10 reasons are only going to focus on you…the adoptive parent. Not what you can bring a child but more what a child can bring you. Please note that I in no way, shape, or form believe adoption to be about what a child can do for you. A most important piece in adoption is what you can provide a child. But the rewards that come from parenting a special needs child are like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. My 12 year old is my “handi-absolutely-capable” son, then I have a younger son that is ”not special needs” and I am also a birthmother. So, I can offer my knowledge from many perspectives. I find it rewarding to parent both my children, but my older son (Kasey) has brought the perspective that often gets lost on parents of healthy children who sometimes take their children’s lives for granted.
As an adoptive parent, I’m sure you have a plethora of love and life to give. Let me tell you, if you adopt a special needs child, you will get more of these things than you ever could offer. So, enough of that…let’s get to the list:
1) Do you want life on a whole new level?

This is a picture of my boys giving end of life care to our 15 year old dog, Shep. When we took him to the vet for euthanasia it was Kasey, me, and my husband. My husband and I both cried. Kasey held it together through the whole thing and pet our dog to the final breath. Later when we went to my parents home in the country to bury him, Kasey lifted Shep’s ear before we put him in his grave and told him “goodbye Shep” –still never shedding a tear. I asked him if he was sad that Shep had passed and he said yes. “So, why haven’t you cried?” I asked. “Because Shep is in heaven and I will see him again.” Cut and dried, plain and simple. Eternal perspective. The same perspective that caused him to excitedly wave goodbye towards the casket of my grandma when she passed. I am always the bawling mess and he consistently gives me the right perspective on things.
2) Do you want to feel alive?

That scar right down the middle of his chest is from open heart surgery when he was 15 months old. He had a hole in his heart the size of a quarter. The doctors said that up to that point even having a bowel movement could have given him a heart attack. He had drainage tubes, wires, stitches, a monitor stuck in his carotid artery to measure pressures, he was black and blue and yet in just a few days he was standing in his hospital bed shaking the crib. It was like “Yeah, I just had open heart surgery, so what?!?!” I wish I could say I handled everything well then but the truth is, I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone and he was suffering more than anyone I had ever known. I was lost and looking for something to drown my pain. In so many ways I wanted to be the turtle with her head in the sand. I felt alive alright. But not in a good way. Yet, looking back on his times of greatest infirmity, he still lived. He still showed care for others. He handled everything given to him with grace. He never seemed to lose sight of life. In all emotions we are reminded that we are still alive. Parenting special needs children isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, but around every turn you WILL feel alive. You WILL be reminded in sickness and health of what is important — and **that** is living.
3) Ever wondered what it would be like to entertain an angel?

Enough said.
4) Need a reason to smile?

A special needs child will give you oodles every single day — and they won’t be smiles cracked from everyday triggers. They are unique!
5) Want acceptance for just who you are?

So do they I hate comparing them to dogs, but honestly, it seems the only ones with the natural, absolutely pure, God-instilled, deeply rooted gift of unconditional love is special needs children and dogs. I love them both!
6) Want to feel God’s love in a tangible way?

If you are lucky enough to get a hug or kiss from a special needs child you can very readily assume that God is just passing His love for you through a child. They embody God’s love and affection for you.
7) “Normal” kids reach hearts. Special needs kids penetrate them.

Everyone remembers Kasey. Everyone loves him. Even if they haven’t met him, he captures their attention. And the best thing about it is, it doesn’t go to his head. He’s just the same to anyone and everyone.
8) Do you struggle with feeling sorry for yourself?

You won’t. They will teach you courage, perseverance, patience, grace, and standing firm in your own life’s plan.
9) Need someone to bring you out of your shell?

So did my younger son, Noah, and I. Sometimes Kasey is to us as a parent is to a child — embarrassing. To us who really value being unnoticed on a day to day basis…yeah that never happens with Kasey…we had to learn to stand out and be proud.  He will drop a beatbox rap or bust into a full fledged all-out YMCA rendition in any aisle of any grocery store at any time. This picture is of Kasey bringing Noah out of his shell and actually trying the school talent show. It’s a memory Noah still talks about to this day. I have no doubt Noah would not have had the guts without his brother by his side.
10) Everyday is an adventure!

Yep…that’s Kasey…After eyeing the fingernail polish sitting on the table, he thought it would be funny to paint his nails. Then, I talked him into a make-over, a dress, and a pose.
Luke 6:38 says, “Give, and it will be given unto you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
In giving your love and parenting to a special needs child, you truly are getting multitudes more than you can ever give. I promise.
I wish I lived as abundantly, as joyfully, as simply, as boldly, as attentively, as lovingly as my special needs child.
I wish I could melt, penetrate, and soothe hearts the way my special needs child does.
I wish I understood God’s love and undying devotion the way my special needs child does.
I wish I held unswervingly to my faith the way my special needs child does.
I wish I possessed the massive amount of spiritual gifts my special needs child does.
I wish my intellectual capabilities were severely over-shadowed by my intuitive, soul softening, kind and caring ways.
Some reason that a life labeled “special needs” is best ended in utero because quality of life will be diminished. I only wish my quality of life resembled my son’s. I have yet to meet a special needs person who struggles have burdened them so greatly they would have preferred their parents to abort them. Just ask them.

Dear Adoptive Parent

Isn’t it wonderful to think that — yes technically, your birthmother chose you to parent her child — but in all reality GOD chose you to be a parent specifically to your child(ren). Your birthmother was a vessel, God was the Operator. God chose you. God chose you knowing every side of you, knowing you would have your fair share of mess-ups. God led your birthmother to you. God chose you because He delights in giving His children the desires of their hearts. The desire of your birthmother’s heart was for her child to have parents just like you. Just like you have the opportunity to be adopted into His family, your child had the opportunity to be adopted into your family.
Not only is God awesome, He is also an example. He is an example we should all live by. His love surpasses all and forgives without question. There is never anything anyone can do, that when they come back to Him He would turn them away. Never. I am so thankful for that because I fall short all the time. Don’t you? We make mistakes, we live outside of God’s purpose sometimes, we pull back when things are painful, we sometimes cower, and we sometimes seek substances or things to escape our pain and shortcomings.
Here is my issue: I have had countless broken-hearted birthmothers reaching out to me lately that are on the edge and broken. They are suffering. They are agonizing over their decision to choose adoption. Here is why: After agreeing to open adoptions, adoptive parents are pulling that option off the table and closing everything off.  One fact I find so completely disheartening is that many of these Adoptive Parents claim they are Christians. I am not going to pretend to understand every single circumstance and decision made. That is not my thing. I am not going to say that if this is you, you are wrong for doing so. My guess is, your gut already knows that but fear of the unknown feeds your resolve.
Here is what I will say: you are killing birthmothers/fathers. The very spirit inside of them is slipping away because they put absolute hope and trust in you. They believed in you. They gave you their child. They may have even believed God about you. They chose life for their child because they believed in life and love itself, and you, the very one they and God chose to parent their child, pulled the rug out from under them. It is a most intimate form of deceit.
I’m sure there are many reasons and many ways to reason why closing the adoption was/is a good idea. We can always find excuses and some are valid. If you have closed off a once open adoption, let me ask you: Was it motivated by fear? Was it motivated by “what-if’s”? Was it motivated by “I don’t want…”? Secrecy? Because you were tired of sharing? Because your birthmother isn’t acting appropriately? Insecurity? Because just like the birthmother that decided her unexpected pregnancy was no longer about her, you also have to decide that adoption is not about you.
Do you wonder what will happen when your child is old enough to search out their birthparents on their own? Do you want them to find out that you closed the adoption after agreeing to something different? If you want to be the hero in your child’s life, you need to be the bigger person. You need to step out of fear and into peace. God loves at all cost. The day you entered into an open adoption, you also agreed to love at all cost. And I’m not just talking about your child. You agreed that you would not be the one to break a birthmother or father’s heart to shards by closing off the adoption. You entered into a heart agreement with a woman that believed in you enough to let her child call you Mother.
Is your artificially closed adoption worth the pain it is causing others? Even if you take God out of the equation (which of course, I never recommend!), is your gain worth causing someone else pain?
Jesus is PRO-EVERYBODY. He’s not pro everything… now there are some nasty THINGS. But He NEVER lets the things that He is against get in the way of the people that He loves.
~Greg Boyd
Love God, Love your Birthmothers/Fathers. At all cost.

Anti-Adoption Extremists

You’re pregnant. You’re now in a crisis pregnancy. You’re options are: parenting, adoption, or abortion. You know yourself best so you should be the one making that decision. You should never be coerced or guilted by others to make any of those 3 decisions. You feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. So many unknowns enveloped in each choice. You know people who will praise you for each decision. You know people who will look down on you for each decision. You know that this one decision, no matter what you choose, will change not only your life forever but also your unborn child’s. This is the cross you bear. Huge, stifling decision.
There are corrupt adoption agencies. There are agencies out there for the baby and the money – giving little concern to life implications and/or birthparents. There are agencies that will use coercion just to make a buck; and all the while possibly assuming they know what is best in every circumstance. This is not true, nor is it good business practice. There is also no doubt that there needs to be adoption reform on so many levels. Adoption is not novelty, commodity, or the new black. It is a woman’s life, at a major crossroads. It is a baby’s future hanging in the balance.
Adoption is not for every single person simply because they may have weighed the option. Parenting is also not for every single person. Lately, I’ve been encountering push-back from anti-adoption groups whose main argument is that adoption practices are corrupt and children were meant to be with their bio parents only. Period. Mind you, I specifically asked one of them what option a mother has then, when she is faced with an unplanned pregnancy – her answer? Abortion even but never adoption. And even after stating that I was in no way coerced, I made the decision to adopt all on my own, some still tried to convince me I was in some way coerced. When that argument was no longer working for them, they simply and hatefully told me that I must not have loved my child one bit. What kind of sick person does that? One that is broken. Hurt people hurt people. These extremists fight and argue that women are coerced into choosing adoption and they are fighting vehemently to find pregnant moms who are considering adoption so they can talk them out of it. They are vicious and nasty; attacking birthmothers/prospective birthmothers in the same coercive manner they say adoption agencies use to gain a buck.
I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around this. Women need and will continue to need options. Parenting is a great option, as is adoption – but you cannot go crazy ninja on adoption coercion when you are practicing parenting coercion just as much! Coercion is coercion. There will always be a need and a plan for adoptions. All options should be brought to the table and thoroughly examined for the pregnant mother, but not one soul should assume it is their job to help the mother lean in one direction or the other. She needs someone to lean on, not someone to lean her over. Could the system use an overhaul? YES. Are there adoptees with bad experiences? Sure. Birthparents with bad experiences? Yep. Guess what? There are also adoptive parents with bad experiences. I have seen firsthand while promoting my book, adoption agencies in it for a dollar. But what about the basic idea of adoption and those agencies that adhere to a high level of integrity? Adoption cannot be seen as black and white; always or never. And not one of us should assume we know what is best in any given situation let alone all situations.
No matter your choice, own it and stand tall. And when the haters come knocking – don’t take it personally – just keep believing in you. And always remember – Hurt people hurt people (Joyce Meyer). Just keep swimming!

That Room

A few days ago, my younger son and I were driving along listening to my Grandpa’s CD (the one who just passed away a few months back). It was old Gospel music — a love I shared with my Grandparents. I knew with how I was feeling I should probably turn it off before the flood of tears came, but kept flipping through songs until I came upon one from a children’s video my kids used to listen to over and over when they were really little. Well, with my oldest turning 13 the day before and the holidays and the grief and the realization that my kids were growing up, the tears came. So, I quickly turned to the radio for something fast to distract myself. I continued on with this leaky eye syndrome the entire day. Today was a little better though, I hid under my covers most of the day sleeping. That doesn’t leave much time for tears!
Not a bad day today. That is until my family and I went to the hospital to visit our neice that had just given birth to her first child. Immediately when we pulled in to the hospital parking lot my oldest so lovingly reminded me that this was where Grandpa had been. A quick yep and a quiet reminder that we still weren’t mentioning Grandpa’s name until mommy could regain control and we were on our way in to meet our newest family member. Soon I realized we were heading straight into the room I gave birth to my last son in. The son I chose adoption for. The room I spent hours pleading with God in to make a way for me to keep my child. The room I almost literally flooded with my own tears. The room I held my son tightly for the first and last time all at once. Oh the kisses, the hugs, the snuggling, the begging, the pleading, and the “I Love You’s” that happened for me in that room. So long ago, yet, being thrust into that room again, it felt like it had just happened yesterday. All I could do was sit quietly and hold my neice’s son, praying that the moment I needed to fall apart didn’t happen in front of everyone in that room. That crying room. The room where my heart broke to the deepest level ever — the level that feels like the brink of death. That room where God pulled out the cot and stayed all night — just to hold me. Just to comfort me. Just to heal me. That room where tonight He reminded me, He’s just a prayer away — and oh, how I’ve missed the comforting powers He showed me those 2 nights years ago. So tonight, I lay my weepiness, my past, my adoption, my memories at the foot of the cross to trade it for The Great Flood of Love — HIS love.

Thank you Lord, for reminding me of the promise from Isaiah 61: 1-4 — the same one you Promised me in That Room not so long ago.
…He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,² to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, ³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy
instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.