Isn’t it wonderful to think that — yes technically, your birthmother chose you to parent her child — but in all reality GOD chose you to be a parent specifically to your child(ren). Your birthmother was a vessel, God was the Operator. God chose you. God chose you knowing every side of you, knowing you would have your fair share of mess-ups. God led your birthmother to you. God chose you because He delights in giving His children the desires of their hearts. The desire of your birthmother’s heart was for her child to have parents just like you. Just like you have the opportunity to be adopted into His family, your child had the opportunity to be adopted into your family.
Not only is God awesome, He is also an example. He is an example we should all live by. His love surpasses all and forgives without question. There is never anything anyone can do, that when they come back to Him He would turn them away. Never. I am so thankful for that because I fall short all the time. Don’t you? We make mistakes, we live outside of God’s purpose sometimes, we pull back when things are painful, we sometimes cower, and we sometimes seek substances or things to escape our pain and shortcomings.
Here is my issue: I have had countless broken-hearted birthmothers reaching out to me lately that are on the edge and broken. They are suffering. They are agonizing over their decision to choose adoption. Here is why: After agreeing to open adoptions, adoptive parents are pulling that option off the table and closing everything off. One fact I find so completely disheartening is that many of these Adoptive Parents claim they are Christians. I am not going to pretend to understand every single circumstance and decision made. That is not my thing. I am not going to say that if this is you, you are wrong for doing so. My guess is, your gut already knows that but fear of the unknown feeds your resolve.
Here is what I will say: you are killing birthmothers/fathers. The very spirit inside of them is slipping away because they put absolute hope and trust in you. They believed in you. They gave you their child. They may have even believed God about you. They chose life for their child because they believed in life and love itself, and you, the very one they and God chose to parent their child, pulled the rug out from under them. It is a most intimate form of deceit.
I’m sure there are many reasons and many ways to reason why closing the adoption was/is a good idea. We can always find excuses and some are valid. If you have closed off a once open adoption, let me ask you: Was it motivated by fear? Was it motivated by “what-if’s”? Was it motivated by “I don’t want…”? Secrecy? Because you were tired of sharing? Because your birthmother isn’t acting appropriately? Insecurity? Because just like the birthmother that decided her unexpected pregnancy was no longer about her, you also have to decide that adoption is not about you.
Do you wonder what will happen when your child is old enough to search out their birthparents on their own? Do you want them to find out that you closed the adoption after agreeing to something different? If you want to be the hero in your child’s life, you need to be the bigger person. You need to step out of fear and into peace. God loves at all cost. The day you entered into an open adoption, you also agreed to love at all cost. And I’m not just talking about your child. You agreed that you would not be the one to break a birthmother or father’s heart to shards by closing off the adoption. You entered into a heart agreement with a woman that believed in you enough to let her child call you Mother.
Is your artificially closed adoption worth the pain it is causing others? Even if you take God out of the equation (which of course, I never recommend!), is your gain worth causing someone else pain?
Jesus is PRO-EVERYBODY. He’s not pro everything… now there are some nasty THINGS. But He NEVER lets the things that He is against get in the way of the people that He loves.
~Greg Boyd
Love God, Love your Birthmothers/Fathers. At all cost.
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