Here’s what I have not decided on — and maybe it’s a 50/50 split, but whose fault is it? Is the birthmother to blame? Are we as birthmothers, so superficial we supply the demand for “perfectly scrapbooked” lives (profiles)? Are adoptive parents so voraciously hungry for a child that they want professionally scrapbooked pages to show how wonderful they are and increase their chances of being chosen? I’m no fool, I know it’s both. But no matter where the blame lies, make no mistake, IT IS NOT RIGHT. There are businesses out there that will put your scrapbook together for you so that it looks the most professional. Adoption is a matter of the heart, it should not be a business! Those profile pages should whole-heartedly be you. Your sweat equity. Your love exuding.
I hear the argument that you may not be a good scrapbooker. I understand that completely because that would be me. Take heart AP, if a birthmother is so shallow she chooses based on how things look on those pages, all she ends up with is a AP that is good at scrapbooking or paying someone to do it for them. Do you want to be chosen based on that? Wouldn’t you rather be chosen because you are real and genuine? Wouldn’t you rather be blessed with a child because you stayed true to you rather than just putting on an awesome facade? No one, no one, can capture the essence of your family better than you. All a professional profile does is wrap your family in enticing packaging. If you’re all wrapped up in that, no one can really see the heart of what’s to offer in your package.
I know it must be tempting…you want a child so badly. I know. You don’t want the birthfamily to see any inadequecy that might spur them to on to another family. I really, really do understand. As a birthmother, I am wholeheartedly asking you to not give in to that temptation. Birthparents are choosing life for their child, they deserve to see “you”. Both sides, BP’s and AP’s, need to do a gut check. Adoption is so intense, there should be no room for superficiality. There’s not time and it’s not beneficial for the child. And that is who comes first right?
If you as a birthmother picked a family because they had the best looking scrapbook (physically), all that means is (like I stated above) that your child either 1) will be taught how to scrapbook like a pro, or 2) they will know where to find someone that does know how. It doesn’t mean you picked a perfect family. No family is perfect.
If you as an adoptive parent inherently know how to scrapbook, show off your skills. I am not talking to you because obviously, it’s the real you. You are showing off a true skill you have and it’s coming from your heart. The teacher in me is thinking, “I want to see what you can do, not what someone else can do”. It feels like cheating in a very intimate sense because that profile will be what gets you your child. Not one single person should be doing the work involved for you.
Birthparents: DO NOT choose someone just because their profile is pretty. Do your homework, look past what is on the pages and make a decision based on the heart. What does it look like is important to this family, what qualities have they put forth for me to see the most of? What kind of character qualities (if any) do I see from these pages?
I find myself actually wondering how many of those ”perfect” profiles end up being the AP’s that cut all communication with BP’s once the adoption is finalized. I know that isn’t always the case, but I have to wonder…if an adoption begins with smoke and mirrors…why wouldn’t it continue in that form?
Today, I am including a chapter titled, “Who is Raising My Baby?” from my book, “Restorative Grief”. It is helpful for both BP’s and AP’s. on this subject.
Chapter 3
Who Is Raising My Baby?
Jesus was raised by a mother and father that were not His biologically. They were just vessels God used to bring Light into the world. Every child brings light. Every child comes with a purpose. The purpose for my child was clear to me from the beginning. I knew Jesus meant for him to be a blessing to another couple. Jesus was not only a blessing to the world but also to first-time parents, Mary and Joseph.Let’s put the focus on them for a minute. They were first-time parents. They weren’t married when they found out they were pregnant (even though they had not sexually conceived Jesus). They were inexperienced parents. Do you think they got parenting Jesus 100 percent right?
I don’t think they were perfect parents, but they were the perfect parents for the job. Much pressure is put on adoptive parents to be better than “normal” parents because they have to jump through hoops to prove they can do it. Birthparents don’t have to do that. Sometimes birthparents worry about the couple they are choosing. Sometimes birthparents have unrealistic expectations about how perfect their couple is or how perfect they should be.
I am willing to bet that adoptive mother Mary had her fair share of mommy mess-ups! Think about this for a moment: Jesus was twelve years old when they went to Jerusalemfor the Feast of the Passover. When the Feast was over, Mary, Joseph, friends and family loaded up and headed home. Still traveling home a day later, they realized Jesus wasn’t with them. They had been careless and assumed he was among them. Then when they went back for Him, they didn’t find Him for three days. Imagine the panic these two parents felt! Especially having to travel for an entire day just to get to the place they saw Him last. They knew God saw all and they did not know how God was going to react. How humbling! All was well once they found Him, and all along it was God’s will, but they had to have been scared of God’s reaction to them losing His only child. The very child He chose them to parent! He knew; even before choosing them to be Jesus’ parents. Would you as a birthmother choose a couple you knew would lose your child for a few days? All parents mess up sometimes. We have to learn to be compassionate and understanding when we choose our baby’s parents, even as we watch them mess up sometimes. Mary’s house probably wasn’t even kid-proofed! Surely, Jesus drank the donkey shampoo at least once! But guess what? God still said, “Mary, you are chosen. You will be Jesus’ earthly mother.” He saw her every move, every thought, every fault, and still he chose her!
My hope is that you chose your adoptive parents very prayerfully. God knows and leads you to the parents that are right. Even if you hadn’t thought of Jesus at all in your picking process, He had a hand in it. Rest assured. He helps us in spite of ourselves. Proverbs 19:21 says, “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Yet, even if you know they are the right ones, you may see a glimpse of their inadequacies at times. I can tell you that after giving birth, when my “chosen” parents came to the hospital, I was worried out of my mind! They were so nervous that they couldn’t change Joshua’s diaper; they had not the slightest clue on how to take care of a newborn child! Now, I knew my baby would be watched over not only by God, but overly-watched by his “chosen” parents, and man, I was concerned! I said lots of prayers and hoped that they would relax and not be so on edge. I came from a family that had babies around all the time so parenting came very naturally for me. It was hard to understand these parents!
Adoptive parents have to go through the wringer to even be considered for a baby. Please understand that if they seem to be trying too hard, it’s because they are. They are working tirelessly for their hearts’ desire. They want you to like them and they are afraid for you to see anything less than perfection because if you do, you might not choose them. This is where God works. This is where God asks you to take a step back and accept exactly what you see in front of you, faults and insecurities and all. That’s what He does with us! So who are we to judge more critically than our own Father God?
Sometimes we get caught up in righteousness, though, and begin to think, “I wouldn’t do that, I would do it differently, I would do it better.” When we start thinking that way, it’s time to pray and ask for forgiveness. God’s plan is perfect. Our babies are right where they are meant to be and being parented the way they need to be. Psalm 71:5-6 says, “For you have been my hope, O sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth. From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you.” Just because it’s not our way doesn’t mean it’s not the right way. Don’t forget, however, that this is also the time He asks the adoptive parents to trust Him and let their inadequacies be seen. In a sense, He asks everyone on both sides of the equation to be transparent. Let’s look at a few verses from the Bible.
Isaiah 26:4 says, “Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal.”
John 14:1 says, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in Me (Jesus).”
Psalm 28:7-8 states, “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song.”
Do you see the word that appears in all these verses? TRUST. Trust is hard for many of us, especially those of us who are broken. However, it is essential for making your relationship with your baby and his/her adoptive parents work. Consider this for a moment: the whole relationship between you, your baby, and the adoptive parents is a circle. In the middle of that circle is God. The whole deal requires God at the center, to be the core around which all else is built.
The baby relied on you while you were pregnant for its well-being. God led you to make the right choice when you found out you were pregnant. The adoptive parents have to trust not only in God to bring them a baby, but also on a faithful, selfless, loving woman to be a vessel. You have to trust that your baby IS a blessing, no matter what your circumstances were in getting pregnant. You had to have recognized that by the fact that you did not make a choice for abortion. You have to trust in God to bring you the right parents and to help you know when it’s right. You will have peace about your decision when it’s right. I have heard from countless birthmothers that they just knew immediately that the connection was right. That was how I felt, also. Now, I still did my research and checked out all of my options, but in my heart, I knew. You have to trust in the adoptive parents that, though they may be human and not super-parents, they are the right fit for your baby and you.
Isaiah 48:17 says, “…I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.”
God believed in Mary and Joseph. They weren’t millionaires. They couldn’t take Jesus to do and see all the coolest things of the times. They couldn’t dress him in designer smocks and sandals. They couldn’t guarantee anything, except that they would be faithful and loving all of His days on earth. There were days they were upset with Him, there were days He was just a typical child doing typical child things. As His parents, however, they loved Him everyday. Period.
That is what I tell my children all the time. I love you period. Even when you seem unlovable, I still love you, and so does Jesus. Mary and Joseph were simply vessels trying to do their best as His parents. Adoptive parents are vessels. Birthparents are vessels. God fills the vessels. He equips the called, not the other way around. He uses our pasts to equip us to serve. He equipped Mary and Joseph. He handed His only Son over to imperfect people to raise. He was perfect, and still He chose imperfection.
Moses was born into dire circumstances. His mother loved him dearly but knew that if he was discovered he would be killed in an effort to control the Israelite population. She hid him away for three months, until she could no longer conceal him, and then she put him in a papyrus basket and sent him down the river. She did not know if this fate would be any better or worse than his fate if she kept him. Her faith and love carried her. Pharaoh’s daughter found baby Moses and felt sorry for him. She, however, could not feed him, so she sent for a Hebrew woman to nurse the baby. That Hebrew woman was Moses’ mother. She returned Moses when he was older and he was raised by Pharaoh’s daughter. She watched her Hebrew son be raised in a powerful family and go on to do mighty things for the Lord. I can actually feel this mother’s heartache as she watches her beloved son grow. I picture her peeking over a fence, looking into her child’s life, aching to be reunited with him, but also doting over the man he was becoming because of the choice she had made. I also imagine her praying daily to be reunited with Moses, if not in this life then in the life to come.
That is my prayer. Eternity with my baby…Dare to dream big for your baby. Dare to dream of your child’s soul being soaked in the grace and love of God until he or she makes it to the place of eternity. There, in that place, there are no more goodbyes. After relinquishment, we can and should still pray for our babies every day.
We should not only pray for their physical safety here on this earth, but for their souls to crave and race towards God for the finish line of Eternity. If they make it and so do we, we will get to look into our children’s eyes everyday forever. That makes this little jaunt here on earth seem like nothing. That reduces your decision to relinquish to just a season, not forever.
Rest in the Lord your God. Know that His plan is perfect. He wants the best for everyone involved, because everyone involved is a child of His! Don’t be afraid. There is pain in embracing the adoptive parents as extended family, but there is more pain in not doing that. Let God lead you as to how open your adoption is, but no matter what, the more solid you can make this relationship, the more trust you put in it, the better off your baby will be. Abundant blessings will come for everyone in the circle when God’s will is done and maintained. Trust. Trust. Trust.
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