Dear Birth Mother

Remember that day? The first day you laid eyes on your sweet child? The moments after you gave birth, the cry of your baby, the cutting of the umbilical cord? Did you have nurses watching you so intently it made you feel uncomfortable? I know I felt like I was under a microscope. I also know I didn’t like what I saw of myself when I was lo0king through the lens. That day…the start of the most painful season of my life. 6 years ago today was my day.
     All the emotion, all the memories snuck up on me last night as I recounted my hours of labor. I remember who was there, I remember who wasn’t. I remember clutching my baby boy for two solid days as if the tighter I held the more my reality was going to change for the better.  As if I could hold him tight enough that somehow I could meld him permanently to me and I wouldn’t have to let him go. I remember my constant tears and pleas to God for my situation to miraculously change so we could go home together just like any other mother coming to the hospital to give birth.
     I am reminded that the most intimate and personal memories of my pregnancy/childbirth are mine and mine alone. Because the key players in that season of my life have now passed on.
     Who do you share your memories with? Do you still feel alone? Are you years out of your adoption yet you still feel like that broken girl laying in the hospital bed crying herself to sleep?
     Does time seem to have left you behind with no good reason to catch up or move on? You are not alone. God remembers you. And God remembers the day. You may share no memories with anyone else, but God shares them with you. He was there. He watched your little one being born, He watched them cut the cord, and He looked upon you with love. He shared in your grief and sat patiently by your side, waiting. No, you weren’t alone and you still aren’t.
     Maybe your wound is heavily guarded and maybe you even do that in complete secrecy. Won’t you stop coddling it? Won’t you let light in? It hurts to expose it but it’s time to let down your guard. It’s time to let the Healer of all wounds in to let Him do what it is He wants to do.
     That baggage that you carry, it gets so heavy. Let the Lover of your soul carry it for you. Today is your day so let it all go. Today is your day, God’s beloved birthmother. I don’t claim to know what His plans are for you, but I know what is not in His plan for you and that is this: You were not created to carry the weight and sorrows of this life around with you constantly.  He sees your pain, He sees your sacrifice, your anger, your brokenness, and everything else.
     He loves you more than anyone ever and He is the key to truly overcoming your adoption grief, you just have to let Him in.
     Take heart because you are loved, you are valuable, and you are not alone.
Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.
Revelation 3:19-21