Hey birthmoms! I am once again being given the platform this Friday to speak about all things adoption/birthmom. Here is where I would like some input: If you are a birthmom, what do you want adoptive parents to think about/know/consider about the birthmother side of adoption? Keep it to one paragraph and email it to: cindylouhoohoo@gmail.com. I love sharing others stories/input when speaking! And feel free to pass this on to any birthmoms you know.
Thanks :)
Cynthia
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Welcome!
Welcome! If you are familiar with my blog, thanks for following me to my new place at blogger.com. This is where I will post permanently now so please consider subscribing here. If you are brand new to my blog, have a look around and if you like what you see, I would love for you to subscribe also. I post mostly on adoption, but also leave room for whatever may be on my heart. Have a great weekend and thanks for stopping by!
Cynthia
Cynthia
Where Do You Find God?
When I was younger, I remember thinking that church was where one would go to find God. I knew I could pray to Him anytime, but it seemed if one wanted to find Him it would be in a pew on Sunday. Even certain holidays seemed more magical because there was an undeniable awareness of why it was being celebrated. It was always so fun to get in the spirit including getting dressed up a bit and reminding myself of why exactly I was even taking the time to celebrate. Sundays were wrought with excitement for church and they always seemed like a breath of fresh air to break up the monotony of the week **monotony is so not me**. Because God wasn’t necessarily an everyday part of my life, on those special days when I did “re-discover” Him, they were like scrumptious little indulgences for my soul and I always felt warm and fuzzy afterward.
Fast forward to January 2, 2011 when the holidays have come and gone but those warm fuzzies never seemed to climax. I tried in every way to set the mood, hoping to wholeheartedly invite those feelings to come and stay a while but to no avail. It’s been like that for a few years now, where every holiday we celebrate leaves me with an unsatisfied feeling yet I could not pinpoint why.
Here’s the conclusion I’ve come up with. I don’t find God in a pew. I don’t find God on Christmas, or Easter, or Memorial day, or Halloween, or Washington’s birthday, on April Fool’s day, or National Secretary’s Day. DISCLAIMER: I ALSO DON’T FIND SATAN ON HALLOWEEN, IT’S ONE OF MY FAVORITE HOLIDAYS OF THE YEAR AND I LOVE JESUS (yep, I know, It’s scandalous). Anyway, I do find God often, it’s just not in the same places it used to be.
Lately, I find God most often at the gym. Especially when I’m short on breath, aching, and feeling like collapsing — I pray hard! No, really, it’s in those moments when I’ve blocked the rest of the world out, and I’m focused on nothing but my soul and my God. See, I go to the gym more for the spiritual alone time than I do to burn calories. I go there with the specific purpose to connect with God. Whether I’m running, swimming, lifting, or stretching, it’s a safe bet that I am also praying. I have actually had times where I’ve been so into praying, someone will run up behind me and scare the crud out of me. But, I find God anyway. I have also found God while watching my 12 year old swim his little heart out because with each of his strides I remember a gaping hole in his heart that threatened his ability to live, let alone swim. I find God in my answered **and unanswered** prayers. I found God last week while sitting in the county jail listening to women expressing stories of brokenness and hope. If I am focused and watching, I can find God every single day.
And, as with any relationship, at the beginning it’s fiercely exciting and euphoric. Those were the moments I found God in church and on holidays. It is a wonderful “feel-good” experience and because it’s not the norm, it’s noticeable. Now that I am in consistent relationship with God, it lessens the euphoria so when holidays and special occasions arise, they seem almost anti-climactic. Yet, I know it’s because that intense, adrenaline/endorphin **happy, happy** rush is spread more evenly throughout the entire year. We shouldn’t only be finding God in the holidays and on Sundays. Look for Him tomorrow — It’s Monday, nothing special, but keep your eyes open. ADDITIONAL DISCLAIMER: IF YOU ARE NOT A MORNING PERSON (ie…me) HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE, THEN LOOK. Have a happy Monday!
Fast forward to January 2, 2011 when the holidays have come and gone but those warm fuzzies never seemed to climax. I tried in every way to set the mood, hoping to wholeheartedly invite those feelings to come and stay a while but to no avail. It’s been like that for a few years now, where every holiday we celebrate leaves me with an unsatisfied feeling yet I could not pinpoint why.
Here’s the conclusion I’ve come up with. I don’t find God in a pew. I don’t find God on Christmas, or Easter, or Memorial day, or Halloween, or Washington’s birthday, on April Fool’s day, or National Secretary’s Day. DISCLAIMER: I ALSO DON’T FIND SATAN ON HALLOWEEN, IT’S ONE OF MY FAVORITE HOLIDAYS OF THE YEAR AND I LOVE JESUS (yep, I know, It’s scandalous). Anyway, I do find God often, it’s just not in the same places it used to be.
Lately, I find God most often at the gym. Especially when I’m short on breath, aching, and feeling like collapsing — I pray hard! No, really, it’s in those moments when I’ve blocked the rest of the world out, and I’m focused on nothing but my soul and my God. See, I go to the gym more for the spiritual alone time than I do to burn calories. I go there with the specific purpose to connect with God. Whether I’m running, swimming, lifting, or stretching, it’s a safe bet that I am also praying. I have actually had times where I’ve been so into praying, someone will run up behind me and scare the crud out of me. But, I find God anyway. I have also found God while watching my 12 year old swim his little heart out because with each of his strides I remember a gaping hole in his heart that threatened his ability to live, let alone swim. I find God in my answered **and unanswered** prayers. I found God last week while sitting in the county jail listening to women expressing stories of brokenness and hope. If I am focused and watching, I can find God every single day.
And, as with any relationship, at the beginning it’s fiercely exciting and euphoric. Those were the moments I found God in church and on holidays. It is a wonderful “feel-good” experience and because it’s not the norm, it’s noticeable. Now that I am in consistent relationship with God, it lessens the euphoria so when holidays and special occasions arise, they seem almost anti-climactic. Yet, I know it’s because that intense, adrenaline/endorphin **happy, happy** rush is spread more evenly throughout the entire year. We shouldn’t only be finding God in the holidays and on Sundays. Look for Him tomorrow — It’s Monday, nothing special, but keep your eyes open. ADDITIONAL DISCLAIMER: IF YOU ARE NOT A MORNING PERSON (ie…me) HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE, THEN LOOK. Have a happy Monday!
Because It's What You Do
Below is an excerpt from an email I got today that is really relevant to the way we work our lives sometimes. I am trying to be really aware of “why” I do the things I do lately, and sometimes I come up with the answer of “because it’s the way it’s always been done”. However, that’s not good enough for me, I need good answers to “why”. And if there is no good reason why, it’s back to the drawing board I go. Do you have anything in your life that you do because that’s the way it’s always been done, yet you don’t know why and/or it just seems like there may be a better way? I like to take the issue at hand, measure it up to my values and belief system, and decide whether it’s time well spent or not.
We spend so much time doing some “things” just because it’s expected or tradition or just because you “should” or ________ (you fill in the blank). Don’t let others “should” on you! Buck the system (be it religion, family, job, etc) that doesn’t want you to think for yourself…I follow the “shoulds” of God because I have thoroughly researched Him and The Bible and wholeheartedly believe in His “shoulds”. They are worth my time! What “shoulds” and “just because’s” are worth your time? Which ones are irrelevant and unproductive? Happy Monday and here’s the excerpt:
If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage,
hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs
under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb
toward the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with
cold water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same
result … all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other
monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and
replace it with a new one.
The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs.
To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb
the stairs he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a
new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.The previous
newcomer takes part in the punishment… with enthusiasm.
Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by a
fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the
stairs he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that
are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs.
Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the
newest monkey.
Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the
remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, none of the monkeys will try
to climb the stairway for the banana.
Why, you ask? Because in their minds…that is the way it has always been!
We spend so much time doing some “things” just because it’s expected or tradition or just because you “should” or ________ (you fill in the blank). Don’t let others “should” on you! Buck the system (be it religion, family, job, etc) that doesn’t want you to think for yourself…I follow the “shoulds” of God because I have thoroughly researched Him and The Bible and wholeheartedly believe in His “shoulds”. They are worth my time! What “shoulds” and “just because’s” are worth your time? Which ones are irrelevant and unproductive? Happy Monday and here’s the excerpt:
If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage,
hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs
under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb
toward the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with
cold water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same
result … all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other
monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and
replace it with a new one.
The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs.
To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb
the stairs he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a
new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.The previous
newcomer takes part in the punishment… with enthusiasm.
Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by a
fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the
stairs he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that
are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs.
Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the
newest monkey.
Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the
remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, none of the monkeys will try
to climb the stairway for the banana.
Why, you ask? Because in their minds…that is the way it has always been!
Dear Birth Mother
Remember that day? The first day you laid eyes on your sweet child? The moments after you gave birth, the cry of your baby, the cutting of the umbilical cord? Did you have nurses watching you so intently it made you feel uncomfortable? I know I felt like I was under a microscope. I also know I didn’t like what I saw of myself when I was lo0king through the lens. That day…the start of the most painful season of my life. 6 years ago today was my day.
All the emotion, all the memories snuck up on me last night as I recounted my hours of labor. I remember who was there, I remember who wasn’t. I remember clutching my baby boy for two solid days as if the tighter I held the more my reality was going to change for the better. As if I could hold him tight enough that somehow I could meld him permanently to me and I wouldn’t have to let him go. I remember my constant tears and pleas to God for my situation to miraculously change so we could go home together just like any other mother coming to the hospital to give birth.
I am reminded that the most intimate and personal memories of my pregnancy/childbirth are mine and mine alone. Because the key players in that season of my life have now passed on.
Who do you share your memories with? Do you still feel alone? Are you years out of your adoption yet you still feel like that broken girl laying in the hospital bed crying herself to sleep?
Does time seem to have left you behind with no good reason to catch up or move on? You are not alone. God remembers you. And God remembers the day. You may share no memories with anyone else, but God shares them with you. He was there. He watched your little one being born, He watched them cut the cord, and He looked upon you with love. He shared in your grief and sat patiently by your side, waiting. No, you weren’t alone and you still aren’t.
Maybe your wound is heavily guarded and maybe you even do that in complete secrecy. Won’t you stop coddling it? Won’t you let light in? It hurts to expose it but it’s time to let down your guard. It’s time to let the Healer of all wounds in to let Him do what it is He wants to do.
That baggage that you carry, it gets so heavy. Let the Lover of your soul carry it for you. Today is your day so let it all go. Today is your day, God’s beloved birthmother. I don’t claim to know what His plans are for you, but I know what is not in His plan for you and that is this: You were not created to carry the weight and sorrows of this life around with you constantly. He sees your pain, He sees your sacrifice, your anger, your brokenness, and everything else.
He loves you more than anyone ever and He is the key to truly overcoming your adoption grief, you just have to let Him in.
Take heart because you are loved, you are valuable, and you are not alone.
Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.
Revelation 3:19-21
All the emotion, all the memories snuck up on me last night as I recounted my hours of labor. I remember who was there, I remember who wasn’t. I remember clutching my baby boy for two solid days as if the tighter I held the more my reality was going to change for the better. As if I could hold him tight enough that somehow I could meld him permanently to me and I wouldn’t have to let him go. I remember my constant tears and pleas to God for my situation to miraculously change so we could go home together just like any other mother coming to the hospital to give birth.
I am reminded that the most intimate and personal memories of my pregnancy/childbirth are mine and mine alone. Because the key players in that season of my life have now passed on.
Who do you share your memories with? Do you still feel alone? Are you years out of your adoption yet you still feel like that broken girl laying in the hospital bed crying herself to sleep?
Does time seem to have left you behind with no good reason to catch up or move on? You are not alone. God remembers you. And God remembers the day. You may share no memories with anyone else, but God shares them with you. He was there. He watched your little one being born, He watched them cut the cord, and He looked upon you with love. He shared in your grief and sat patiently by your side, waiting. No, you weren’t alone and you still aren’t.
Maybe your wound is heavily guarded and maybe you even do that in complete secrecy. Won’t you stop coddling it? Won’t you let light in? It hurts to expose it but it’s time to let down your guard. It’s time to let the Healer of all wounds in to let Him do what it is He wants to do.
That baggage that you carry, it gets so heavy. Let the Lover of your soul carry it for you. Today is your day so let it all go. Today is your day, God’s beloved birthmother. I don’t claim to know what His plans are for you, but I know what is not in His plan for you and that is this: You were not created to carry the weight and sorrows of this life around with you constantly. He sees your pain, He sees your sacrifice, your anger, your brokenness, and everything else.
He loves you more than anyone ever and He is the key to truly overcoming your adoption grief, you just have to let Him in.
Take heart because you are loved, you are valuable, and you are not alone.
Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.
Revelation 3:19-21
What Happened To Transparency, Triad?
I wonder what is/has happened to transparency in adoption? Has anyone seen it? What happened to the addage, “It’s not what’s on the outside but what’s on the inside that counts?” I’m so discouraged by the emphasis placed on Adoptive Parent profiles. Adoption is not a family vacation to Bermuda captured in pictures. It is a child. It’s a life. If ever there were a time in your life to be 100% real, 100% true to self, this is the time.
Here’s what I have not decided on — and maybe it’s a 50/50 split, but whose fault is it? Is the birthmother to blame? Are we as birthmothers, so superficial we supply the demand for “perfectly scrapbooked” lives (profiles)? Are adoptive parents so voraciously hungry for a child that they want professionally scrapbooked pages to show how wonderful they are and increase their chances of being chosen? I’m no fool, I know it’s both. But no matter where the blame lies, make no mistake, IT IS NOT RIGHT. There are businesses out there that will put your scrapbook together for you so that it looks the most professional. Adoption is a matter of the heart, it should not be a business! Those profile pages should whole-heartedly be you. Your sweat equity. Your love exuding.
I hear the argument that you may not be a good scrapbooker. I understand that completely because that would be me. Take heart AP, if a birthmother is so shallow she chooses based on how things look on those pages, all she ends up with is a AP that is good at scrapbooking or paying someone to do it for them. Do you want to be chosen based on that? Wouldn’t you rather be chosen because you are real and genuine? Wouldn’t you rather be blessed with a child because you stayed true to you rather than just putting on an awesome facade? No one, no one, can capture the essence of your family better than you. All a professional profile does is wrap your family in enticing packaging. If you’re all wrapped up in that, no one can really see the heart of what’s to offer in your package.
I know it must be tempting…you want a child so badly. I know. You don’t want the birthfamily to see any inadequecy that might spur them to on to another family. I really, really do understand. As a birthmother, I am wholeheartedly asking you to not give in to that temptation. Birthparents are choosing life for their child, they deserve to see “you”. Both sides, BP’s and AP’s, need to do a gut check. Adoption is so intense, there should be no room for superficiality. There’s not time and it’s not beneficial for the child. And that is who comes first right?
If you as a birthmother picked a family because they had the best looking scrapbook (physically), all that means is (like I stated above) that your child either 1) will be taught how to scrapbook like a pro, or 2) they will know where to find someone that does know how. It doesn’t mean you picked a perfect family. No family is perfect.
If you as an adoptive parent inherently know how to scrapbook, show off your skills. I am not talking to you because obviously, it’s the real you. You are showing off a true skill you have and it’s coming from your heart. The teacher in me is thinking, “I want to see what you can do, not what someone else can do”. It feels like cheating in a very intimate sense because that profile will be what gets you your child. Not one single person should be doing the work involved for you.
Birthparents: DO NOT choose someone just because their profile is pretty. Do your homework, look past what is on the pages and make a decision based on the heart. What does it look like is important to this family, what qualities have they put forth for me to see the most of? What kind of character qualities (if any) do I see from these pages?
I find myself actually wondering how many of those ”perfect” profiles end up being the AP’s that cut all communication with BP’s once the adoption is finalized. I know that isn’t always the case, but I have to wonder…if an adoption begins with smoke and mirrors…why wouldn’t it continue in that form?
Today, I am including a chapter titled, “Who is Raising My Baby?” from my book, “Restorative Grief”. It is helpful for both BP’s and AP’s. on this subject.
Let’s put the focus on them for a minute. They were first-time parents. They weren’t married when they found out they were pregnant (even though they had not sexually conceived Jesus). They were inexperienced parents. Do you think they got parenting Jesus 100 percent right?
I don’t think they were perfect parents, but they were the perfect parents for the job. Much pressure is put on adoptive parents to be better than “normal” parents because they have to jump through hoops to prove they can do it. Birthparents don’t have to do that. Sometimes birthparents worry about the couple they are choosing. Sometimes birthparents have unrealistic expectations about how perfect their couple is or how perfect they should be.
I am willing to bet that adoptive mother Mary had her fair share of mommy mess-ups! Think about this for a moment: Jesus was twelve years old when they went to Jerusalemfor the Feast of the Passover. When the Feast was over, Mary, Joseph, friends and family loaded up and headed home. Still traveling home a day later, they realized Jesus wasn’t with them. They had been careless and assumed he was among them. Then when they went back for Him, they didn’t find Him for three days. Imagine the panic these two parents felt! Especially having to travel for an entire day just to get to the place they saw Him last. They knew God saw all and they did not know how God was going to react. How humbling! All was well once they found Him, and all along it was God’s will, but they had to have been scared of God’s reaction to them losing His only child. The very child He chose them to parent! He knew; even before choosing them to be Jesus’ parents. Would you as a birthmother choose a couple you knew would lose your child for a few days? All parents mess up sometimes. We have to learn to be compassionate and understanding when we choose our baby’s parents, even as we watch them mess up sometimes. Mary’s house probably wasn’t even kid-proofed! Surely, Jesus drank the donkey shampoo at least once! But guess what? God still said, “Mary, you are chosen. You will be Jesus’ earthly mother.” He saw her every move, every thought, every fault, and still he chose her!
My hope is that you chose your adoptive parents very prayerfully. God knows and leads you to the parents that are right. Even if you hadn’t thought of Jesus at all in your picking process, He had a hand in it. Rest assured. He helps us in spite of ourselves. Proverbs 19:21 says, “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Yet, even if you know they are the right ones, you may see a glimpse of their inadequacies at times. I can tell you that after giving birth, when my “chosen” parents came to the hospital, I was worried out of my mind! They were so nervous that they couldn’t change Joshua’s diaper; they had not the slightest clue on how to take care of a newborn child! Now, I knew my baby would be watched over not only by God, but overly-watched by his “chosen” parents, and man, I was concerned! I said lots of prayers and hoped that they would relax and not be so on edge. I came from a family that had babies around all the time so parenting came very naturally for me. It was hard to understand these parents!
Adoptive parents have to go through the wringer to even be considered for a baby. Please understand that if they seem to be trying too hard, it’s because they are. They are working tirelessly for their hearts’ desire. They want you to like them and they are afraid for you to see anything less than perfection because if you do, you might not choose them. This is where God works. This is where God asks you to take a step back and accept exactly what you see in front of you, faults and insecurities and all. That’s what He does with us! So who are we to judge more critically than our own Father God?
Sometimes we get caught up in righteousness, though, and begin to think, “I wouldn’t do that, I would do it differently, I would do it better.” When we start thinking that way, it’s time to pray and ask for forgiveness. God’s plan is perfect. Our babies are right where they are meant to be and being parented the way they need to be. Psalm 71:5-6 says, “For you have been my hope, O sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth. From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you.” Just because it’s not our way doesn’t mean it’s not the right way. Don’t forget, however, that this is also the time He asks the adoptive parents to trust Him and let their inadequacies be seen. In a sense, He asks everyone on both sides of the equation to be transparent. Let’s look at a few verses from the Bible.
Isaiah 26:4 says, “Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal.”
John 14:1 says, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in Me (Jesus).”
Psalm 28:7-8 states, “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song.”
Do you see the word that appears in all these verses? TRUST. Trust is hard for many of us, especially those of us who are broken. However, it is essential for making your relationship with your baby and his/her adoptive parents work. Consider this for a moment: the whole relationship between you, your baby, and the adoptive parents is a circle. In the middle of that circle is God. The whole deal requires God at the center, to be the core around which all else is built.
The baby relied on you while you were pregnant for its well-being. God led you to make the right choice when you found out you were pregnant. The adoptive parents have to trust not only in God to bring them a baby, but also on a faithful, selfless, loving woman to be a vessel. You have to trust that your baby IS a blessing, no matter what your circumstances were in getting pregnant. You had to have recognized that by the fact that you did not make a choice for abortion. You have to trust in God to bring you the right parents and to help you know when it’s right. You will have peace about your decision when it’s right. I have heard from countless birthmothers that they just knew immediately that the connection was right. That was how I felt, also. Now, I still did my research and checked out all of my options, but in my heart, I knew. You have to trust in the adoptive parents that, though they may be human and not super-parents, they are the right fit for your baby and you.
Isaiah 48:17 says, “…I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.”
God believed in Mary and Joseph. They weren’t millionaires. They couldn’t take Jesus to do and see all the coolest things of the times. They couldn’t dress him in designer smocks and sandals. They couldn’t guarantee anything, except that they would be faithful and loving all of His days on earth. There were days they were upset with Him, there were days He was just a typical child doing typical child things. As His parents, however, they loved Him everyday. Period.
That is what I tell my children all the time. I love you period. Even when you seem unlovable, I still love you, and so does Jesus. Mary and Joseph were simply vessels trying to do their best as His parents. Adoptive parents are vessels. Birthparents are vessels. God fills the vessels. He equips the called, not the other way around. He uses our pasts to equip us to serve. He equipped Mary and Joseph. He handed His only Son over to imperfect people to raise. He was perfect, and still He chose imperfection.
Moses was born into dire circumstances. His mother loved him dearly but knew that if he was discovered he would be killed in an effort to control the Israelite population. She hid him away for three months, until she could no longer conceal him, and then she put him in a papyrus basket and sent him down the river. She did not know if this fate would be any better or worse than his fate if she kept him. Her faith and love carried her. Pharaoh’s daughter found baby Moses and felt sorry for him. She, however, could not feed him, so she sent for a Hebrew woman to nurse the baby. That Hebrew woman was Moses’ mother. She returned Moses when he was older and he was raised by Pharaoh’s daughter. She watched her Hebrew son be raised in a powerful family and go on to do mighty things for the Lord. I can actually feel this mother’s heartache as she watches her beloved son grow. I picture her peeking over a fence, looking into her child’s life, aching to be reunited with him, but also doting over the man he was becoming because of the choice she had made. I also imagine her praying daily to be reunited with Moses, if not in this life then in the life to come.
That is my prayer. Eternity with my baby…Dare to dream big for your baby. Dare to dream of your child’s soul being soaked in the grace and love of God until he or she makes it to the place of eternity. There, in that place, there are no more goodbyes. After relinquishment, we can and should still pray for our babies every day.
We should not only pray for their physical safety here on this earth, but for their souls to crave and race towards God for the finish line of Eternity. If they make it and so do we, we will get to look into our children’s eyes everyday forever. That makes this little jaunt here on earth seem like nothing. That reduces your decision to relinquish to just a season, not forever.
Rest in the Lord your God. Know that His plan is perfect. He wants the best for everyone involved, because everyone involved is a child of His! Don’t be afraid. There is pain in embracing the adoptive parents as extended family, but there is more pain in not doing that. Let God lead you as to how open your adoption is, but no matter what, the more solid you can make this relationship, the more trust you put in it, the better off your baby will be. Abundant blessings will come for everyone in the circle when God’s will is done and maintained. Trust. Trust. Trust.
Here’s what I have not decided on — and maybe it’s a 50/50 split, but whose fault is it? Is the birthmother to blame? Are we as birthmothers, so superficial we supply the demand for “perfectly scrapbooked” lives (profiles)? Are adoptive parents so voraciously hungry for a child that they want professionally scrapbooked pages to show how wonderful they are and increase their chances of being chosen? I’m no fool, I know it’s both. But no matter where the blame lies, make no mistake, IT IS NOT RIGHT. There are businesses out there that will put your scrapbook together for you so that it looks the most professional. Adoption is a matter of the heart, it should not be a business! Those profile pages should whole-heartedly be you. Your sweat equity. Your love exuding.
I hear the argument that you may not be a good scrapbooker. I understand that completely because that would be me. Take heart AP, if a birthmother is so shallow she chooses based on how things look on those pages, all she ends up with is a AP that is good at scrapbooking or paying someone to do it for them. Do you want to be chosen based on that? Wouldn’t you rather be chosen because you are real and genuine? Wouldn’t you rather be blessed with a child because you stayed true to you rather than just putting on an awesome facade? No one, no one, can capture the essence of your family better than you. All a professional profile does is wrap your family in enticing packaging. If you’re all wrapped up in that, no one can really see the heart of what’s to offer in your package.
I know it must be tempting…you want a child so badly. I know. You don’t want the birthfamily to see any inadequecy that might spur them to on to another family. I really, really do understand. As a birthmother, I am wholeheartedly asking you to not give in to that temptation. Birthparents are choosing life for their child, they deserve to see “you”. Both sides, BP’s and AP’s, need to do a gut check. Adoption is so intense, there should be no room for superficiality. There’s not time and it’s not beneficial for the child. And that is who comes first right?
If you as a birthmother picked a family because they had the best looking scrapbook (physically), all that means is (like I stated above) that your child either 1) will be taught how to scrapbook like a pro, or 2) they will know where to find someone that does know how. It doesn’t mean you picked a perfect family. No family is perfect.
If you as an adoptive parent inherently know how to scrapbook, show off your skills. I am not talking to you because obviously, it’s the real you. You are showing off a true skill you have and it’s coming from your heart. The teacher in me is thinking, “I want to see what you can do, not what someone else can do”. It feels like cheating in a very intimate sense because that profile will be what gets you your child. Not one single person should be doing the work involved for you.
Birthparents: DO NOT choose someone just because their profile is pretty. Do your homework, look past what is on the pages and make a decision based on the heart. What does it look like is important to this family, what qualities have they put forth for me to see the most of? What kind of character qualities (if any) do I see from these pages?
I find myself actually wondering how many of those ”perfect” profiles end up being the AP’s that cut all communication with BP’s once the adoption is finalized. I know that isn’t always the case, but I have to wonder…if an adoption begins with smoke and mirrors…why wouldn’t it continue in that form?
Today, I am including a chapter titled, “Who is Raising My Baby?” from my book, “Restorative Grief”. It is helpful for both BP’s and AP’s. on this subject.
Chapter 3
Who Is Raising My Baby?
Jesus was raised by a mother and father that were not His biologically. They were just vessels God used to bring Light into the world. Every child brings light. Every child comes with a purpose. The purpose for my child was clear to me from the beginning. I knew Jesus meant for him to be a blessing to another couple. Jesus was not only a blessing to the world but also to first-time parents, Mary and Joseph.Let’s put the focus on them for a minute. They were first-time parents. They weren’t married when they found out they were pregnant (even though they had not sexually conceived Jesus). They were inexperienced parents. Do you think they got parenting Jesus 100 percent right?
I don’t think they were perfect parents, but they were the perfect parents for the job. Much pressure is put on adoptive parents to be better than “normal” parents because they have to jump through hoops to prove they can do it. Birthparents don’t have to do that. Sometimes birthparents worry about the couple they are choosing. Sometimes birthparents have unrealistic expectations about how perfect their couple is or how perfect they should be.
I am willing to bet that adoptive mother Mary had her fair share of mommy mess-ups! Think about this for a moment: Jesus was twelve years old when they went to Jerusalemfor the Feast of the Passover. When the Feast was over, Mary, Joseph, friends and family loaded up and headed home. Still traveling home a day later, they realized Jesus wasn’t with them. They had been careless and assumed he was among them. Then when they went back for Him, they didn’t find Him for three days. Imagine the panic these two parents felt! Especially having to travel for an entire day just to get to the place they saw Him last. They knew God saw all and they did not know how God was going to react. How humbling! All was well once they found Him, and all along it was God’s will, but they had to have been scared of God’s reaction to them losing His only child. The very child He chose them to parent! He knew; even before choosing them to be Jesus’ parents. Would you as a birthmother choose a couple you knew would lose your child for a few days? All parents mess up sometimes. We have to learn to be compassionate and understanding when we choose our baby’s parents, even as we watch them mess up sometimes. Mary’s house probably wasn’t even kid-proofed! Surely, Jesus drank the donkey shampoo at least once! But guess what? God still said, “Mary, you are chosen. You will be Jesus’ earthly mother.” He saw her every move, every thought, every fault, and still he chose her!
My hope is that you chose your adoptive parents very prayerfully. God knows and leads you to the parents that are right. Even if you hadn’t thought of Jesus at all in your picking process, He had a hand in it. Rest assured. He helps us in spite of ourselves. Proverbs 19:21 says, “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Yet, even if you know they are the right ones, you may see a glimpse of their inadequacies at times. I can tell you that after giving birth, when my “chosen” parents came to the hospital, I was worried out of my mind! They were so nervous that they couldn’t change Joshua’s diaper; they had not the slightest clue on how to take care of a newborn child! Now, I knew my baby would be watched over not only by God, but overly-watched by his “chosen” parents, and man, I was concerned! I said lots of prayers and hoped that they would relax and not be so on edge. I came from a family that had babies around all the time so parenting came very naturally for me. It was hard to understand these parents!
Adoptive parents have to go through the wringer to even be considered for a baby. Please understand that if they seem to be trying too hard, it’s because they are. They are working tirelessly for their hearts’ desire. They want you to like them and they are afraid for you to see anything less than perfection because if you do, you might not choose them. This is where God works. This is where God asks you to take a step back and accept exactly what you see in front of you, faults and insecurities and all. That’s what He does with us! So who are we to judge more critically than our own Father God?
Sometimes we get caught up in righteousness, though, and begin to think, “I wouldn’t do that, I would do it differently, I would do it better.” When we start thinking that way, it’s time to pray and ask for forgiveness. God’s plan is perfect. Our babies are right where they are meant to be and being parented the way they need to be. Psalm 71:5-6 says, “For you have been my hope, O sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth. From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you.” Just because it’s not our way doesn’t mean it’s not the right way. Don’t forget, however, that this is also the time He asks the adoptive parents to trust Him and let their inadequacies be seen. In a sense, He asks everyone on both sides of the equation to be transparent. Let’s look at a few verses from the Bible.
Isaiah 26:4 says, “Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal.”
John 14:1 says, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in Me (Jesus).”
Psalm 28:7-8 states, “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song.”
Do you see the word that appears in all these verses? TRUST. Trust is hard for many of us, especially those of us who are broken. However, it is essential for making your relationship with your baby and his/her adoptive parents work. Consider this for a moment: the whole relationship between you, your baby, and the adoptive parents is a circle. In the middle of that circle is God. The whole deal requires God at the center, to be the core around which all else is built.
The baby relied on you while you were pregnant for its well-being. God led you to make the right choice when you found out you were pregnant. The adoptive parents have to trust not only in God to bring them a baby, but also on a faithful, selfless, loving woman to be a vessel. You have to trust that your baby IS a blessing, no matter what your circumstances were in getting pregnant. You had to have recognized that by the fact that you did not make a choice for abortion. You have to trust in God to bring you the right parents and to help you know when it’s right. You will have peace about your decision when it’s right. I have heard from countless birthmothers that they just knew immediately that the connection was right. That was how I felt, also. Now, I still did my research and checked out all of my options, but in my heart, I knew. You have to trust in the adoptive parents that, though they may be human and not super-parents, they are the right fit for your baby and you.
Isaiah 48:17 says, “…I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.”
God believed in Mary and Joseph. They weren’t millionaires. They couldn’t take Jesus to do and see all the coolest things of the times. They couldn’t dress him in designer smocks and sandals. They couldn’t guarantee anything, except that they would be faithful and loving all of His days on earth. There were days they were upset with Him, there were days He was just a typical child doing typical child things. As His parents, however, they loved Him everyday. Period.
That is what I tell my children all the time. I love you period. Even when you seem unlovable, I still love you, and so does Jesus. Mary and Joseph were simply vessels trying to do their best as His parents. Adoptive parents are vessels. Birthparents are vessels. God fills the vessels. He equips the called, not the other way around. He uses our pasts to equip us to serve. He equipped Mary and Joseph. He handed His only Son over to imperfect people to raise. He was perfect, and still He chose imperfection.
Moses was born into dire circumstances. His mother loved him dearly but knew that if he was discovered he would be killed in an effort to control the Israelite population. She hid him away for three months, until she could no longer conceal him, and then she put him in a papyrus basket and sent him down the river. She did not know if this fate would be any better or worse than his fate if she kept him. Her faith and love carried her. Pharaoh’s daughter found baby Moses and felt sorry for him. She, however, could not feed him, so she sent for a Hebrew woman to nurse the baby. That Hebrew woman was Moses’ mother. She returned Moses when he was older and he was raised by Pharaoh’s daughter. She watched her Hebrew son be raised in a powerful family and go on to do mighty things for the Lord. I can actually feel this mother’s heartache as she watches her beloved son grow. I picture her peeking over a fence, looking into her child’s life, aching to be reunited with him, but also doting over the man he was becoming because of the choice she had made. I also imagine her praying daily to be reunited with Moses, if not in this life then in the life to come.
That is my prayer. Eternity with my baby…Dare to dream big for your baby. Dare to dream of your child’s soul being soaked in the grace and love of God until he or she makes it to the place of eternity. There, in that place, there are no more goodbyes. After relinquishment, we can and should still pray for our babies every day.
We should not only pray for their physical safety here on this earth, but for their souls to crave and race towards God for the finish line of Eternity. If they make it and so do we, we will get to look into our children’s eyes everyday forever. That makes this little jaunt here on earth seem like nothing. That reduces your decision to relinquish to just a season, not forever.
Rest in the Lord your God. Know that His plan is perfect. He wants the best for everyone involved, because everyone involved is a child of His! Don’t be afraid. There is pain in embracing the adoptive parents as extended family, but there is more pain in not doing that. Let God lead you as to how open your adoption is, but no matter what, the more solid you can make this relationship, the more trust you put in it, the better off your baby will be. Abundant blessings will come for everyone in the circle when God’s will is done and maintained. Trust. Trust. Trust.
10 Reasons To Adopt A Special Needs Child
I found that keeping this list to 10 reasons is..well…impossible. So my 10 reasons are only going to focus on you…the adoptive parent. Not what you can bring a child but more what a child can bring you. Please note that I in no way, shape, or form believe adoption to be about what a child can do for you. A most important piece in adoption is what you can provide a child. But the rewards that come from parenting a special needs child are like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. My 12 year old is my “handi-absolutely-capable” son, then I have a younger son that is ”not special needs” and I am also a birthmother. So, I can offer my knowledge from many perspectives. I find it rewarding to parent both my children, but my older son (Kasey) has brought the perspective that often gets lost on parents of healthy children who sometimes take their children’s lives for granted.
As an adoptive parent, I’m sure you have a plethora of love and life to give. Let me tell you, if you adopt a special needs child, you will get more of these things than you ever could offer. So, enough of that…let’s get to the list:
1) Do you want life on a whole new level?
This is a picture of my boys giving end of life care to our 15 year old dog, Shep. When we took him to the vet for euthanasia it was Kasey, me, and my husband. My husband and I both cried. Kasey held it together through the whole thing and pet our dog to the final breath. Later when we went to my parents home in the country to bury him, Kasey lifted Shep’s ear before we put him in his grave and told him “goodbye Shep” –still never shedding a tear. I asked him if he was sad that Shep had passed and he said yes. “So, why haven’t you cried?” I asked. “Because Shep is in heaven and I will see him again.” Cut and dried, plain and simple. Eternal perspective. The same perspective that caused him to excitedly wave goodbye towards the casket of my grandma when she passed. I am always the bawling mess and he consistently gives me the right perspective on things.
2) Do you want to feel alive?
That scar right down the middle of his chest is from open heart surgery when he was 15 months old. He had a hole in his heart the size of a quarter. The doctors said that up to that point even having a bowel movement could have given him a heart attack. He had drainage tubes, wires, stitches, a monitor stuck in his carotid artery to measure pressures, he was black and blue and yet in just a few days he was standing in his hospital bed shaking the crib. It was like “Yeah, I just had open heart surgery, so what?!?!” I wish I could say I handled everything well then but the truth is, I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone and he was suffering more than anyone I had ever known. I was lost and looking for something to drown my pain. In so many ways I wanted to be the turtle with her head in the sand. I felt alive alright. But not in a good way. Yet, looking back on his times of greatest infirmity, he still lived. He still showed care for others. He handled everything given to him with grace. He never seemed to lose sight of life. In all emotions we are reminded that we are still alive. Parenting special needs children isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, but around every turn you WILL feel alive. You WILL be reminded in sickness and health of what is important — and **that** is living.
3) Ever wondered what it would be like to entertain an angel?
Enough said.
4) Need a reason to smile?
A special needs child will give you oodles every single day — and they won’t be smiles cracked from everyday triggers. They are unique!
5) Want acceptance for just who you are?
So do they
I hate comparing them to dogs, but honestly, it seems the only ones with the natural, absolutely pure, God-instilled, deeply rooted gift of unconditional love is special needs children and dogs. I love them both!
6) Want to feel God’s love in a tangible way?
If you are lucky enough to get a hug or kiss from a special needs child you can very readily assume that God is just passing His love for you through a child. They embody God’s love and affection for you.
7) “Normal” kids reach hearts. Special needs kids penetrate them.
Everyone remembers Kasey. Everyone loves him. Even if they haven’t met him, he captures their attention. And the best thing about it is, it doesn’t go to his head. He’s just the same to anyone and everyone.
8) Do you struggle with feeling sorry for yourself?
You won’t. They will teach you courage, perseverance, patience, grace, and standing firm in your own life’s plan.
9) Need someone to bring you out of your shell?
So did my younger son, Noah, and I. Sometimes Kasey is to us as a parent is to a child — embarrassing. To us who really value being unnoticed on a day to day basis…yeah that never happens with Kasey…we had to learn to stand out and be proud. He will drop a beatbox rap or bust into a full fledged all-out YMCA rendition in any aisle of any grocery store at any time. This picture is of Kasey bringing Noah out of his shell and actually trying the school talent show. It’s a memory Noah still talks about to this day. I have no doubt Noah would not have had the guts without his brother by his side.
10) Everyday is an adventure!
Yep…that’s Kasey…After eyeing the fingernail polish sitting on the table, he thought it would be funny to paint his nails. Then, I talked him into a make-over, a dress, and a pose.
Luke 6:38 says, “Give, and it will be given unto you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
In giving your love and parenting to a special needs child, you truly are getting multitudes more than you can ever give. I promise.
I wish I lived as abundantly, as joyfully, as simply, as boldly, as attentively, as lovingly as my special needs child.
I wish I could melt, penetrate, and soothe hearts the way my special needs child does.
I wish I understood God’s love and undying devotion the way my special needs child does.
I wish I held unswervingly to my faith the way my special needs child does.
I wish I possessed the massive amount of spiritual gifts my special needs child does.
I wish my intellectual capabilities were severely over-shadowed by my intuitive, soul softening, kind and caring ways.
Some reason that a life labeled “special needs” is best ended in utero because quality of life will be diminished. I only wish my quality of life resembled my son’s. I have yet to meet a special needs person who struggles have burdened them so greatly they would have preferred their parents to abort them. Just ask them.
As an adoptive parent, I’m sure you have a plethora of love and life to give. Let me tell you, if you adopt a special needs child, you will get more of these things than you ever could offer. So, enough of that…let’s get to the list:
1) Do you want life on a whole new level?
This is a picture of my boys giving end of life care to our 15 year old dog, Shep. When we took him to the vet for euthanasia it was Kasey, me, and my husband. My husband and I both cried. Kasey held it together through the whole thing and pet our dog to the final breath. Later when we went to my parents home in the country to bury him, Kasey lifted Shep’s ear before we put him in his grave and told him “goodbye Shep” –still never shedding a tear. I asked him if he was sad that Shep had passed and he said yes. “So, why haven’t you cried?” I asked. “Because Shep is in heaven and I will see him again.” Cut and dried, plain and simple. Eternal perspective. The same perspective that caused him to excitedly wave goodbye towards the casket of my grandma when she passed. I am always the bawling mess and he consistently gives me the right perspective on things.
2) Do you want to feel alive?
That scar right down the middle of his chest is from open heart surgery when he was 15 months old. He had a hole in his heart the size of a quarter. The doctors said that up to that point even having a bowel movement could have given him a heart attack. He had drainage tubes, wires, stitches, a monitor stuck in his carotid artery to measure pressures, he was black and blue and yet in just a few days he was standing in his hospital bed shaking the crib. It was like “Yeah, I just had open heart surgery, so what?!?!” I wish I could say I handled everything well then but the truth is, I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone and he was suffering more than anyone I had ever known. I was lost and looking for something to drown my pain. In so many ways I wanted to be the turtle with her head in the sand. I felt alive alright. But not in a good way. Yet, looking back on his times of greatest infirmity, he still lived. He still showed care for others. He handled everything given to him with grace. He never seemed to lose sight of life. In all emotions we are reminded that we are still alive. Parenting special needs children isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, but around every turn you WILL feel alive. You WILL be reminded in sickness and health of what is important — and **that** is living.
3) Ever wondered what it would be like to entertain an angel?
Enough said.
4) Need a reason to smile?
A special needs child will give you oodles every single day — and they won’t be smiles cracked from everyday triggers. They are unique!
5) Want acceptance for just who you are?
So do they
I hate comparing them to dogs, but honestly, it seems the only ones with the natural, absolutely pure, God-instilled, deeply rooted gift of unconditional love is special needs children and dogs. I love them both!6) Want to feel God’s love in a tangible way?
If you are lucky enough to get a hug or kiss from a special needs child you can very readily assume that God is just passing His love for you through a child. They embody God’s love and affection for you.
7) “Normal” kids reach hearts. Special needs kids penetrate them.
Everyone remembers Kasey. Everyone loves him. Even if they haven’t met him, he captures their attention. And the best thing about it is, it doesn’t go to his head. He’s just the same to anyone and everyone.
8) Do you struggle with feeling sorry for yourself?
You won’t. They will teach you courage, perseverance, patience, grace, and standing firm in your own life’s plan.
9) Need someone to bring you out of your shell?
So did my younger son, Noah, and I. Sometimes Kasey is to us as a parent is to a child — embarrassing. To us who really value being unnoticed on a day to day basis…yeah that never happens with Kasey…we had to learn to stand out and be proud. He will drop a beatbox rap or bust into a full fledged all-out YMCA rendition in any aisle of any grocery store at any time. This picture is of Kasey bringing Noah out of his shell and actually trying the school talent show. It’s a memory Noah still talks about to this day. I have no doubt Noah would not have had the guts without his brother by his side.
10) Everyday is an adventure!
Yep…that’s Kasey…After eyeing the fingernail polish sitting on the table, he thought it would be funny to paint his nails. Then, I talked him into a make-over, a dress, and a pose.
Luke 6:38 says, “Give, and it will be given unto you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
In giving your love and parenting to a special needs child, you truly are getting multitudes more than you can ever give. I promise.
I wish I lived as abundantly, as joyfully, as simply, as boldly, as attentively, as lovingly as my special needs child.
I wish I could melt, penetrate, and soothe hearts the way my special needs child does.
I wish I understood God’s love and undying devotion the way my special needs child does.
I wish I held unswervingly to my faith the way my special needs child does.
I wish I possessed the massive amount of spiritual gifts my special needs child does.
I wish my intellectual capabilities were severely over-shadowed by my intuitive, soul softening, kind and caring ways.
Some reason that a life labeled “special needs” is best ended in utero because quality of life will be diminished. I only wish my quality of life resembled my son’s. I have yet to meet a special needs person who struggles have burdened them so greatly they would have preferred their parents to abort them. Just ask them.
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