2014 -- The Year of "P" Words

As I’m reflecting back on 2014, I see a year saturated with countless prayers, petitions, pleadings, and praises. 2014 immediately found our 15-year-old having 2 major surgeries (again). In February we came home from the hospital and began preparations to put our house on the market. Our house went under contract after less than a day on the market and at an astounding price. In May we moved to an apartment because our new home wasn't done being built. In July we moved into our new home. By the end of October our son was no longer depending on pain medication to make it through every single day. In November I finally completed the pursuit of my Bachelor's of Ministry, my husband got his name on a patent, and a teacher randomly emailed us to let us know what a propitious youngster our 13-year-old is.  Phew! 2014 was also the year both boys were back in public school instead of homeschooling. They handled the transition excellently and are thriving. These are the highlights of my year; Not intended for boasting about what I've done, but rather, what God has done.

My prayers, petitions, pleadings, and praises were fulfilled as God’s Providence became fully alive within my family. I watched Him be the Great Physician to my son. I watched Him be the all-Powerful Provider, Protector, and Preserver of not only my son’s life, but to family life as a whole. I got to see Him at work as the Prince of Peace when He stilled my anxious heart in the midst of the uncertainties and trials. I have had a phenomenal year! Not because it was void of pain or persecution or because every prayer was answered with a “yes”, not because every trial came with a pardon; but because I have emerged from it all as a stronger, wiser, and more faith-filled individual. Every year of my entire life will be filled with ups and downs so it isn't accurate for me to pit those two against each other in hopes that the good outweighs the bad. No, instead, I will say that I had a priceless year because it was filled with some terrible things and some amazing things that equated to immeasurable personal growth. Forward motion is the goal. God is good all the time.

Happy New Year to you and yours!

Love, 

Cynthia

Is Your Talk Fogging The View Of Your Walk?

"Oh, I would never."
"You should"
"You shouldn't"
"Just pray for healing"
"Cheer up"
"Have more faith"

Trite answers. Ever heard any of these before? Ever used them on someone else? Guilty. In our made up minds, things seem so simple sometimes. I just engaged in a vaccine debate where a mother was upset that unvaccinated kids would pass their sicknesses on to her vaccinated and vulnerable children that might cause hospitalization and/or death. That's a scary place and no mother likes to think about her child suffering in that way. I'm on the other side. I've watched my son almost die from seizures that were vaccine related...so I would never push vaccines on anyone. Ever. You know why? Been there done that. I faced hospitalization and near death with my child because of vaccines.

I've heard the "just have more faith" or "we just believe that God is going to heal everything our children have now and in the future so we won't seek medical care". I've heard it all. Words are so cheap, though, until you've had to back them up with your own life and actions. You mean your child had a cold and you believed God for healing? Good for you. That's level 1 on this Wii game we call life. Wait until your child is facing life or death, walking or wheelchair, seizures or no seizures and then please by all means tell me your thoughts on life. I will want to hear every nugget of wisdom you will pass my way. Really -- I will!  I DO always love to hear the stories of when "the rubber meets the road" for people. In that meeting, wisdom occurs on a whole new level.

It's all about the whole "walk a mile in my shoes" thing. Sympathy vs. Empathy. Been there done that vs. I've never been there but I do care. I can understand people wanting to vaccinate their kids for health and safety reasons. I can also see the other side of it. When I look at both sides, I see children suffering. Or as a believer I can also understand wanting God to heal your child more than anything in the world. Been there done that. I understand  pleading with Him to not only let your child live, but live well and prosper. But you know what? God didn't let me get in the way of His healing plan for my son -- He healed him through a few excellent doctors. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. God is too big for that box.

Who are we to tell a chronically depressed person to "cheer up"? Who are we to tell a grieving person how grieve and when to be done with it? Empathy shows up when I can look at a person and say, "Me Too" (to quote my totally awesome church's motto). Sympathy looks at a person and says, "You know, I've never faced what you're facing but let me walk it out with you as best I can." Rarely is anything black and white, sweet and simply summed up in short close-ended responses. Thus, I am well to remember that no matter which category I find myself in -- sympathy or empathy --  there should always be less talk and more walk.

Don't Be A "Lukewarm No-Go"

Have you ever considered -- much like the list of "qualities" we look for in a mate -- making a quality list for friends? I'm not saying writing it down, it's just the mental list we make for what we are looking for. I know I have. I've also considered advertising! Much like someone considering the prospect of the dating game -- the task of finding friends seems arduous and too time consuming. Especially to just get to the point where you look at the friendship and realize it probably won't work.

One time I made a list of qualities I wanted in a friend and then focused on being the embodiment of it to my own friends. In doing that, I quickly realized how short I fall a lot of the time. In a world of superficial, fast, fast, fast, our relationships seem to stay that way too. But if we had a listing, a set of soft criteria, it seems like it would weed out the "no-go's"....or would it?

Do the "no-go's" realize they aren't loyal or are gossipy or unkind? We never think those things about ourselves, right? We tend to think more along the lines of, "Who....me, no...not me." We look out into the crowd and point fingers elsewhere. I recently wrote down 3 things that are critically important to me in my own friendships. These are my "must-haves" of intimate friendship: 1) Confidentiality, 2) Kind but truthful, and 3) Spiritual maturity.

The first criteria of confidentiality is not because I have secrets to keep. God knows nothing much is a secret in my life anymore after Restorative Grief came out. So, it's not about the secrecy. It's more about respect. My life and my stories are mine and mine only to tell. I get that people who share my book with others will also share tidbits of my story -- that is not the type of talk I'm speaking of. I'm more speaking of the catty, chatty coffee time banter. **Sidenote -- we recently became the proud owners of some chickens...they are noisy and catty to eachother...and now I fully understand the saying about women being a bunch of "hens". They cluck for no apparent reason ALL OF THE TIME. Who needs a rooster when you have a loudmouth hen that starts clucking at 5:30am???** And that is where my point lands -- loudmouth hens that cluck and cluck just for the sake of clucking. Well, and to make themselves feel better about their own lives, right? Hey, I've done it and before God whapped me upside the head on the issue, it just felt normal and comfy. The words I would speak of others would become a warm blanky I could wrap and soothe my own soul in and think, "At least I'm not like _________, at least I don't  __________."

My next criteria is the balance between truth and grace. I am a blunt person. I prefer blunt people as friends because us blunties, we just spit crap into the air, let it fall on our listener's ears and hope to move on in the next breath. Air it out and move on. I remember when I was a teenager my mom and I fought alot. ALOT. Did I mention I like to fight it out and be done? My mom's personality is more apt to have it out a bit longer so she would get really mad when I would say my peace and then act like nothing happened. **Another sidenote: my mouth used to be my weapon of choice so "my peace" wasn't so peaceful** She always hated that I was ready to move on afterward but to me it felt normal. I am still that way, whether it's normal or not I don't have a clue. I know for myself I don't want a bunch of "yes (wo)men" in my life. I want my friends to feel comfortable bringing truth to the table even if it's not what I want to hear. I don't like being called out, but it is better than the alternative. Plus, now that I'm more mature, I know I can take the things people call me out on to the cross and work it out with God to test it's validity.

My last criteria is that I want my intimate circle of friends to be coming from similar moral and spiritual backgrounds. The same was true for me even when I wasn't following Christ well. I wanted others who were at my level so I didn't have to hear any one chiding me for my lifestyle. **Misery loves company** Nowadays, however I don't follow advice or opinions unless they line up with what I read in Scripture. I enjoy going deep into Biblical conversations and I want friends who enjoy the same things -- nothing makes me happier than time spent talking about the Lord!

3 things...that's my list! And God has blessed me immensely with a handful of friends that meet and exceed these things. I love that! See, here's the thing, though -- it's not about them -- whether they are good or bad. It just isn't. We can't control them. Here's our tendency...my tendency: before I rate myself on the friendship meter, I put my stylish rose-colored glasses on so that the light shining in the mirror doesn't reflect back and blind me! I (We) look good, right? Mmmmmm Mmmmmm Mmmmm. Yep, we got it goin' on. Anybody would be blessed to call us a friend. Our glasses fog up a bit when we look at others, though, so we take them off. Bleck, the colors aren't as brilliant and we can see more detail without them. That's just how we like to see them...isn't it???? It's the difference of  the 50x magnifiying make-up mirror and standing back to take a full body shot from a distance. We must look at ourselves and our friends using the same standard of measure.

My son recently asked me, "Why are you doing this for her when it doesn't seem like she's a good friend to you?" My reply was this, "It doesn't matter how she treats me. What matters is what kind of friend I am to her. And I always try (doesn't mean I don't fall short sometimes) to be the friend I would want to to have." Does it feel like I am always the one doing the giving? Yes, but is it the rose-colored glasses speaking? **My glasses are like my chickens, they are noisy and usually not saying anything worth listening to**

If I've fallen short in a friendship with you, I am truly sorry. I'm workin' on that! And here's an "I'm sorry" in advance to those friends I will fail in the future. Being a friend takes work and investment so let's be intentional and honest about who we want to enter into that with. If we treat others in a flippant, "take them or leave them" manner, we are lukewarm in our friendship. Be hot or cold, but leave no room for lukewarm -- it's colder than the cold.

Prophetic Words Spoken Over My Teenage Self

In the summer of 1995 my Grandma drug myself and my friend to hear a man by the name of James Spencer speak. I was 17 at the time and absolutely did not want to be there. However, my Grandma loved to torture me back then. On a side note, all that "torture" was really God's prep work in my life. Anyway, there I was in a conference room full of people just waiting for it to be over with. I was trying to be inconspicuous, but God singled me out. From my perspective, it seemed James Spencer honed in on me randomly and wouldn't let go. By the end of it all, I remember crying, accepting the Lord, and I remember him speaking what would end up being prophetic words over my life. He told me "God had big plans for me". Some would say this is just a vague reference, that could be said of anyone. I get it. I really wanted that to be true and I held it tightly in my heart all these years; often telling the story after I saw my conversion in the Lord begin to happen. When he spoke those words, I couldn't imagine it being true but I held fast to it anyway!

The next month, my Grandma told me Mr. Spencer had written about our encounter in his newsletter. I don't remember caring a whole lot and by then was probably already back to my old ways but I've never forgotten about his newsletter either. As I grew in my relationship with Christ, I began to get more and more curious as to what it was he wrote about me.

 I was speaking of Mr. Spencer this past weekend with some friends and it got me thinking. I began to wonder if I could contact him and get a copy of his writing. It was nearly 18 years ago for one, and for two he would have to remember something about it to be able to recall it. "What are the chances of that," I asked myself. Well, yesterday I decided to give it a shot. I looked him up, shot him an email briefly describing our encounter and had a response from him within a few hours.

He recalled that night vividly! He said he wept when he wrote it and he wept when he revisited it yesterday just seeing God at work! I know I've said this before but when God writes a story, He writes a story! Now I can look back on a day in my life and gain heavenly perspective written by a mere human who dared to be the hands and feet of God in my own life. The story immediately dropped me back into the dark place I resided in at the time, but more than that, it filled me with overwhelming joy at God's redemptive powers and the restoration he provides in our lives regardless of how many times we fall or how broken we are.
Take a peek into a day in my teenage life written by James Spencer, author, speaker, hands and feet of Jesus:

The turn out in Twin Falls was small and the audience was tired.  So was I.  Have you ever tried to dig up concrete?

          Don’t get me wrong, these were good people in a good church with a good pastor.  But it was hard that Sunday night just this past month.

          Before the meeting a woman came up to me, escorted by two teen-age girls.  “I saw you when you were in Buhl,” the woman said.  One of the girls obviously was her daughter.  The other one hung back and looked at the floor.

          As I began to preach my prepared text, I was struck by how bored we all were.  The congregation was bored, the pastor was bored, and I was bored.

          That’s when I knew something was up.

          See, I am not bored about preaching the gospel.  Neither is the pastor nor his people.  But that night we were.  Hello?

          When the kitchen sink comes flying through the window—when the devil is working overtime—its time to get excited!  Something is up.  Opportunity is afoot.

          I didn’t know what was up.  But I have been preaching long enough to know when to shift gears.  I began to pray in the Spirit, even as I preached.  What’s going on here, Lord?  What are you trying to do?  Where should I go?

          I began shuffling the deck.  Searching the faces of the people as I allowed God to move me through several ideas in rapid succession.  I was fishing.  I was looking for direction.  Then it came.

          I saw the young girl in the back, sitting hunched over, face to the floor.  The devil wants to keep her in bondage!

          I swung into a salvation message.  At that point I didn’t care about anybody else in the meeting.  Although I didn’t look at her, I preached to her.  (Nothing obvious, no one in the room knew what was going on.  I doubt that even she knew I was focusing on her.)

          You was unmoved by my preaching.  However, the congregation woke up.  I woke up.

          The pastor looked at me like he knew I suddenly knew where I was going.

          When I gave the altar call, several responded, but not my girl.  I prolonged the invitation.  “Don’t let this moment pass.  Don’t leave here and allow the sensitivity you are feeling in your heart dissolve away.”

          Still nothing.  Eventually I had to bring the meeting to a close.

          However, the pastor and I (who work very closely together in the Spirit) both knew the meeting wasn’t over.  He led the congregation in a couple more choruses.

          He called a man out of the congregation and we prayed for him.  We prayed for a family in which the grandparents were raising three grandchildren because the mother was unable to do so at this time in her life.  As we prayed for the children, they began to weep.

          Suddenly, I had eyes in the back of my head.  What I mean is that in the Spirit, I saw my teen-age girl who was seated several rows behind where I was standing.  I turned around and she was still sitting with her face lowered to the floor.

          Do you know you can be in the flesh, even at these moments?  I knew I should go back to where she was.  The draw was almost irresistible.  Is it just my pastor’s heart?  Will I make the situation even worse by publicly embarrassing her?  Will I simply harden her to further ministry?

          I walked back to her and said, “Miss, stand up.”  She stood up but looked at the floor.  Is she a hard case?

          “Miss,” I said.  “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior in your life?”

          She shook her head.

          “Would you like to do so?” I asked.

          She looked at me for a long moment and then said, almost inaudibly, “I said I wouldn’t do that.”

          Said it to whom?  Said it to me?  Said it to God?  Herself?

          “I didn’t ask you that,” I said.  “I asked you if you wanted to accept Christ.  Do you want to do that?”

          Tears came to her eyes.  She nodded her head.

          “Why are you afraid? I asked.

          She didn’t know.

          “Is it because someone in your family will be unhappy with you?

          Apparently not.

          “Can I pray with you?”

          Yep, I could.  And I did.  And she broke and wept and fell into my arms.  And I broke and wept—and am weeping now as I write these words…

          Listen, God wants to send me to lost people to bring them His message of reconciliation.  He sends me in seminars, in books, and through radio and television.

          Why am I telling you this?  Because I can’t go unless you send me.  Please send me.  How much is the soul of a teen-ager worth?

Sit Tight

Not a day goes by that God doesn’t whisper into my ear saying, “Be still”. The word, “still”, by definition goes against every fiber of my being. Until the last 5 years or so, I haven’t understood what that would even look like. However, God never fails to present these situations that in the past would cause me to squirm, fidget, or even run. Given that I am such a socially awkward person you can imagine how many moments I have in one day!

On any given day I am prone to have multiple situations I would prefer to run from. Somewhere in my life I developed a coping mechanism for each awkward moment. In silent moments, I always had to interject something. In tense moments, I always had to make a joke. In teary moments, I would emotionally separate and probably still make a joke. In moments of disagreement or situations requiring confrontation I would run. In moments of strife, I would jump in and “fix”.

In the last few years though, God has been working with me on this and just really asking me to “sit tight” and feel whatever is presenting itself at the moment – asking me to just let there be silence, let there be tension or tears or whatever may be. Naturally being a “fixer”, it was hard to resign myself to just being present but not coming up with solutions. The idea of just being surrendered to what comes and to be sensitive to the idea that it may be just what the Great Doctor ordered; no matter how uncomfortable it feels to me.

It has itself playing out when I visit my hospice patients – just listening to what they are saying and what they aren’t saying – and staying with it regardless of how uncomfortable it is. It plays itself out in my friendships, just sitting tight and praying for friends or family when they hurt my feelings or gossip or whatever the circumstance may be. This was the point I used to run. Now I feel God asking me to just stay and wait it out. How hard this is! I find myself asking the Lord how long I have to wait. How many times do I have to hear a friend gossip before I can be done? **That was a lesson I learned years ago from a best friend – I loved hearing her juicy gossip about others, but was somehow blindsided when she gossiped about me** Now when I spot a gossip I am the first to turn my head and disengage – let alone pursue friendship. “Lord, you really want me to be a sitting duck just to be obedient to you?”

God is funny that way, though. Somehow He brings people and situations in and uses them to refine us. I can complain all day about others and how they’ve wronged me, hurt my feelings, or gossiped or cheated me -- but it isn’t about others. It’s about me. It’s about what I’m going to do with it. How am I going to handle it? Am I going to sit tight and trust God? And no matter which way I turn, I feel God gently asking me if I’m going to sit tight and trust in Him; to be still and know…that He is God.

I’m convinced it’s Satan voice I hear when the words “run” or “give up” nowadays. I won’t say that God will never tell us to steer clear of someone or some situation – I know better than that. But many situations in life are just that – temporary situations that God is working on behind the scenes. We just have to be willing to sit in the uncomfortable hot seat as long as it takes. It isn’t always pretty, but honestly, the view from that seat is raw and real and most definitely perspective changing.

The Game of "Life"

It’s family game night. Much is riding on the game as it’s coming to a close. Usually, in this competitive family, it’s a race to the finish. Normally, the kids are clasping their hands together with anxious laughter, hoping to get the best of their parents; especially dad. Oh how they love to beat the man of the house!

That man symbolizes half their heritage. Half of who they are and who they will become is shaped by their dad’s life – for better or for worse. By watching and listening, he both consciously and unconsciously tells them how to be, who to be. His kind and loving words, though sporadic and sparse, are felt to their core. They know that when he says them, he really means them. He is the one that teaches and guides. If the hours clocked teaching little boys about fast cars could build a stairway to heaven, this daddy would have reached the gates in just a few short years. The time spent hunting, fishing, and wrenching with his kids would be enviable by any parent’s standards.

At the beginning of the game, dad was so far in the lead it seemed no one was going to catch up to him. His game plan seemed so strategic and his confidence unshakeable. It was one of those games that seemed destined to go on forever. With each spin of the wheel, the excitement would build. For the kids, the anticipation of what the end would look like was almost too much to bear – with both fear and victory filling their insides until it felt like they might explode!

Towards the middle of the game, dad’s lead started to slow. The kids were beginning to see the holes in his game plan; the flaws in his strategy. With each turn, they began to catch up and even gain on their father. They watched intently, turn after turn, as dad lost his lead. They prodded and pressed forward with the hopes of coming in first. At one point in the game, they got so focused on the end in sight, they nearly forgot about their dad even being in the game. When they looked back to see how much of a lead they had, they quickly realized that somewhere on the multi-colored squares of the “Life” board, their daddy’s car had crashed. Nobody had even noticed the tiny black square dad’s car had landed on…it said “Meth Addiction”.

Our dad was stuck. It was as if his little, blue plastic car had landed in a tar pit and we weren’t sure how to help him get out. We hurriedly checked the directions that came with the game, but it offered no suggestions on how to get off that little black square. All we could do was sit and stare at each other. Feeling helpless, we kept spinning, hoping to land on the right answer to move our dad further along in the game – or better yet, to just keep him in the game and moving. Our worst fear being that dad would give up. Will he throw in the towel because the game has gotten too hard? Will he quit on us, leaving us to finish the game alone? Why are there so many rules to “Life”, yet when someone gets stuck on this one black square, the game suddenly becomes an urgent mystery?

Here we sit…at the end of the game. Crunch time. The time we normally relish. The time we are usually oozing with cockiness and loving every minute of it. Of course we learned that from our dad! We three kids are in the red zone of the game of “Life” but the chances of a tragic let down seem more likely than a score. We have now stopped spinning, even with the finish line in sight. We have quietly decided we will settle for a stalemate because we don’t want to win. Even more importantly, we don’t want to know who loses. We can spin and spin on our turns but it won’t matter. The driver of the car stuck on the little black square has to take his turn. He must spin and then emerge extremely ticked off that he’s lost so much ground in the game. But will he?

Has Anyone Seen My Thankfulness?

     When reading the story of the Israelites being led through the desert, provided for at every turn by God himself, I have admittedly thought to myself, "How could they doubt with all the Presence they were blessed with?" How could they, how could THEY, how could they? It seems so implausible given the circumstances, that they could actually complain, grumble, and doubt the fact that they were being Divinely cared for. The day's manna hadn't even digested before they were doubting and grumbling again. And again. And again.

     Four months ago, a doctor asked me if I wanted a chaplain to come sit with me while she and others tended to my son's medical emergency. Two words a parent never wants to hear in the same sentence...chaplain and son. She said, "This could get dicey". For about 20 minutes my little world became a monstrosity of emotions. When they came to get me from the waiting room, a flood of thankfulness overtook me as she said, "The ventilator tubing had kinked itself inside of him. We never see that." Thank God. The problem was not with my son but with the equipment and it was an easy fix. Thank God. Thank God. I wish I could say that was the first time I had seen medical staff have to perform resuscitation on my son. It wasn't. With his seizure disorder, I had seen it before. It looks the same in every doctors eyes. The first time it happened, no one had time to remove me or my mom from the room. We just sat and watched. We watched him seize for over half an hour. We watched him turn ashen gray.

     All of this to say, today, he's a healthy 14 year old boy with nothing medical looming over his future. I have witnessed miracles. Huge miracles. I have been fed daily manna from my God just the same as the Israelites. I have clung to God as my world threatened to crumble around me and asked Him to just stay beside me and give me what I needed to get through that moment. And the next...and the next. Here's the kicker: I have turned right back around and grumbled. Grumbled that I didn't have enough. Grumbled that I wasn't enough. Grumbled because I couldn't feel Him. Grumbled because He wasn't fixing some problem for me. I have grumbled and complained to the very God that has spared my son's life over and over again.

     Hi my name is Cynthia and I am like the Israelites. How could I? How dare I?

     How quickly I can forget the tender mercies of yesterday. The miracles I have been witness to. I have personally seen God do big things! I have had some of the best seats in the house and yet, I have found myself telling God I need more, I want more, show me more. Someone said something today that got me thinking about this. I have seen such great wonders of God. The Israelites had seen such great wonders of God. What if, because they saw such huge and obvious blessings literally pour from the heavens, they became addicted to the constant shower of Presence and the rush of adrenaline God provides. What if the greatness of what they saw made everything else about life mundane and boring? Laborious and monotonous. Thus came the grumbling and complaining. What if they had seen God provide so much they wondered in their humanity when God would stop showering them with blessings and do away with them because of their lack of faith or disobedience?

     I would be lying if I said I never think those things for myself. I have experienced the Presence of God in huge ways -- as if He were sitting next to me. So in between those huge experiences, I find myself asking Him why I can't feel Him. As if He has left me. Yeah right. It's my attitude that has tried to leave Him. It's the world, Satan, that has crept back in to my thoughts telling me I don't have enough, I'm not enough, I will never be enough.

     So, what is enough? When has He done enough? When will I stop complaining? When I force myself back to the beginning. When I pull myself out of my stinkin' thinkin' and grab hold of my foundation again. Christ dying on the cross just for me is enough. I know that, it's huge. Yep, that's enough. But He didn't stop there for me and He doesn't stop there for you either. He's already done enough but He keeps doing. He spared my son's life multiple times when the reality is He didn't even spare His own Son's life.

     I tend to read the Israelite story with disgust at how they could lose heart with God right there, providing just because they were His chosen people. And yet, I, four months out of my son's surgery found myself losing heart and becoming frustrated with life's situations. I found myself asking God where He was and why I couldn't feel Him. Once I get my heart right, I realize He's still here, still right next to me. Still doing big things, but how could I notice when I won't pull my head out of my worldly "ars" and look with my heavenly eyes? God never abandons us, but too often our perception does.

Meet Kelly...Absolutely Awesome, Adorable, Admirable, Adoptive Mom!

This year I am participating in The Adoption Blogger Interview Project. Anyone in the adoption blogging realm throws their name in the mix and are paired with someone else to expand all of our adoption horizons a bit :) I am blessed because I was introduced to someone on the other side of the fence and got to know a little about a woman living out the heart of God with regards to adoption. Her name is Kelly. Her story is one of an adoptive parent, adoption advocate, wife, and child of God. **Not in that particular order**

I had the pleasure of asking her questions about being an adoptive mommy, the non-profit she and her husband started, called The Sparrow Fund and also a great little store called The Nest, that helps adoptive families all over the world. This is one busy woman to be sure! Read more about her life, mission, and passion in the following interview questions.


1) For you personally, what was the biggest challenge to adopting?

We did a lot of training. I read a lot of books, read a lot of blog posts. I was prepared for our daughter to have challenges attaching. I was not prepared for my own response to those challenges. It was hard when she didn't see me as her mommy. It was hard when she preferred my husband's care over my own. We danced a bit with our attachment process. When I acted like her mother and she'd showed any sign of responding like my daughter, I'd respond in kind, and the cycle would continue. It took a good while for us to dance well together as mother and daughter. But, we got there. Some days we aren't always in sync. But, we're still dancing.


2) In International adoption, what place do birth families have?

In any adoption, birth families play a significant role exclusive only to them. They were our children's first families; we cannot not acknowledge that role even if we do not know them at all. In many international adoptions, particularly in China, birth families' identities are mysteries, leaving many more questions than answers for our children. But, the mystery doesn't negate the significance of their role in our children's lives. We look for opportunities to talk about birth families in general and our daughter's birth family more specifically, always aiming to honestly honor them. We keep it casual and normal so that our children all know that we are comfortable with whatever questions may come up whenever they come up.


3) What kind of support and encouragement do you provide through "The Sparrow Fund"?

We had only been home a few months with our daughter when we felt compelled to do something to support adoption. We found that there were some great organizations ministering to orphans directly all over the world as well as promoting adoption, but there were few nonprofits committed to serving the families who brought those children home. We started The Sparrow Fund with the mission of supporting and encouraging adoptive families through grants so that they could enroll in programs to receive preadoption counsel, support while they travel to bring their child home, and postadoption support. We have more recently taken on a more active support role ourselves, providing training opportunities for adoptive families in all seasons of their family life - waiting to adopt up through parenting older children. The response to these trainings and opportunities to be encouraged alongside other families has been overwhelming.


4) I noticed that "The Sparrow Fund" only supports International adoptions...why not domestic adoptions also?

We actually do support all adoptive and foster families through the trainings we offer. We are hosting our first couples' retreat (Together Called) this February. The couples attending represent all sorts of adoptive experiences from fostering to adopt, private domestic adoptions, sibling group or older child adoption, special needs adoptions, and adoptions from all over the world. The grants we give are specific to international adoptions only because the programs we help families enroll in focus on reviewing the referral and providing support to families to better help them understand that referral of a child they cannot physically meet and have evaluated here in the states prior to committing to adopting him or her. International and domestic adoptions are very unique regarding the extent of information families are able to have prior to finalizing an adoption.


5) What kind of, if any, incentives or special funding do you provide for special needs adoptions?

We view all adoptions as being special needs adoptions to some extent. There are issues adopted children deal with and need to process that requires special attention from parents. There is always brokenness before an adoption even takes place. And, these precious children are in the middle of that brokenness, resulting in what we feel is a special need. For some children who have been in varied foster homes, have experienced abuse or neglect, were institutionalized, there can be very significant special needs as a result. Our grants and training we provide to families are not exclusively for families who are adopting "special needs children," according to the more commonly understood definition. All adoptive families need the support we are seeking to provide to them.


6) Tell me about "The Nest",  the women who make the jewelry, and how the profits are used.

The Nest has become an incredible way for us to broaden the reach of our support to adoptive families. Through The Nest, we have been able to support adoptive families in Nairobi, Kenya as well as help fund our programs for adoptive families stateside. Through personal friends, we have embraced a collaborative of women in Nairobi who make paper bead jewelry as well as peanut butter that they sell and trade in their local marketplace. They pool all their earnings and distribute according to need amongst the women and their families, most of which are adoptive families. We have become their major source of provision as we sell their wares on Etsy and at events. With the women's full support and joy over being a part of our work, about half of each sold item gets wired to Nairobi to these women while the other half supports our programs.


7) What is one thing you would most like to tell people about your life's mission?

As a family, we are truly seeking to glorify God by caring for people - through The Sparrow Fund, we feel like we are able to do that as we provide a way for families to get the support they need as well as offer opportunities for them to continue getting support long after "Gotcha Day." Our days are full and often extend well into the night in order for us to keep up with it all. But, we're excited about where we are and where God's leading us next.

Kelly with her babies

Kelly's blogging home is: My Overthinking -- hop on over there to learn more, purchase from 'The Nest', or find out how to get involved!

Kasey Layne 10/6/12

Tonight all is well. Kasey is asleep and has been for an hour now. Hopefully his days/nights are beginning to turn back in the right direction. He got up three times today to walk the halls and on one walk the physical therapist had him tackle a set of stairs. He did them wonderfully! But it really wore him out. In my last post I forgot to add that we were admitted to hospital at 4 ft. 8 in. and when we checked his height yesterday he was an even 5 ft. He gained 4 inches from surgery!! It is weird to me to be almost eye to eye with my baby.

His chest xrays looked better today and he was weaned from 4 liters of oxygen to half a liter. Hopefully tomorrow he will hold his own and won't need oxygen at all anymore. He will get his last dose of antibiotic tonight and then that will end all things going in via I.V. It is quieter on the pediatric floor so we are enjoying just being able to chill out a bit.

Yesterday the nurses were being overly optimistic when they said we might be out by the end of the weekend. The doc came in today and said it is looking like next week sometime. So, we settle in a bit more -- I unpacked the M&M fun packs and set up my essential oil diffuser!

Today is day 11 of being in the hospital and we are feeling it. We are both ready to be home and we are missing our family being all together...Kasey's even thinking about the dog so much he told Eric he should leave the hospital early tonight to let Tuffy out of his kennel. He is always thinking of others! Overall, we are doing well here and hope you all are also.

Goodnight <3

Kasey Layne 10/5/12

Today was a good day!

We started it off with the surgeon telling us we were getting out of ICU in the afternoon! One lung looks better, one the same but good enough to move to the next level. Kasey walked through the ICU hallways before leaving the unit. He is walking well with a walker and he is strong! We are looking forward to a good night's sleep in a more private room. If all goes well, we could be looking at going home before the weekend is over. That's what will happen -- I just know it. He is walking good, talking good, eating good, and of course, winning over the hearts of all the nurses!

So, I'm keeping it short tonight.

Thanks for all your support!

Kasey Layne 10/2-10/4/12

Not much has changed in the last few days. He is looking better and getting up a little more but no change in his lungs. We have an official diagnosis now of pneumonia. His lungs are just taking a bit longer to heal. We discovered today that talking on the phone is a good way to build his lungs back up since he's so social -- so if you have our number, feel free to call and ask for Kasey!

He had 2 drainage tubes coming out of his lower back, which they took out on Tuesday. He is still having to sleep with the bi-pap mask on. That is the apnea type mask that blows air into his lungs to create positive pressure. And it is that mask alone that is keeping us in ICU. As soon as he no longer needs to wear that mask when sleeping, we can transfer to the regular floor.

His left arm isn't working the way it did before surgery so we are now addressing that. The doc thinks it may be an issue of laying on the surgical table for 16 hours and how his arm was positioned. It possibly has some damage around his brachial plexus **I think that's what he called it** but he should regain the movement with physical therapy. They are saying that if it were a central nervous system or a spinal cord issue more of the body would be affected. His hands, fingers, and grip are normal. I just discovered a therapy tool tonight though. It takes two hands to use his iPod so I am making him switch hands every so often and he has no idea he's "working"!

Yesterday was moving day for the entire pediatric ICU so we are now in a new area of the hospital. It is less private in the new area so I am praying we can leave this unit soon. It is so humbling and so hard to watch families that know they will not take their babies home from this ICU. They are preparing to say goodbye. It was overwhelming to me yesterday to hear one family's story and to realize that only by the grace of God have we not had to say goodbye to Kasey with all that he's been through in his short life. Why do some babies make it and not others? It's hard. It's hard to celebrate our victories when someone else is losing. My heart is grateful, thankful, extremely humbled, and once again reminded that life is short -- and uncertain. Kasey's surgery was a grisly one and after the fact we've had a few docs admit the uncertainty he faced, not only with the surgery and recovery but with the scary lung issue the other day. They are professionals so at the moment when I am searching their faces for any sign of emotion I can't see it, but when it's all said and done and we are on the good side of things they have offered that emotion up.

So, yesterday was another emotional roller coaster type of day. And Kasey has what one nurse called "ICU Psychosis" so he sleeps off and on all day then at about 10pm he's ready to chat and comes to life. That makes it is hard to get any amount of sleep! I finally decided if I was going to make it in this ultra marathon I needed to get a good night's sleep, so I went home last night while my brother stayed with Kasey. I cried halfway home with the guilt of leaving. Noah was with me though so he tried to knock some sense into his Momma! It hits me at weird times, but like I said, you can't help but feel so incredibly blessed for your own trials when you see the path others are having to walk.

We still covet prayers for Kasey and all the other families in here with sick babies. It's so easy to get caught up in our lives and forget or block out the pain and suffering of others but being back in the hospital has been a quick reminder that all suffering is relative.

Thanks for all your support!

Kasey Layne 9/30-10/1/12

Kasey's xrays are looking slightly better each day. Today, his respiratory cultures came back with multiple bacteria growing so they are starting him on a different antibiotic. This could also be why his fever is still present and his chest xrays aren't showing much improvement. He has had 2 days of physical therapy sitting him up on the edge of the bed. They are weaning his high powered pain meds in hopes of getting him to be more awake and alert throughout the day and he really was alert today. Everyday is getting better, it's just going slower than originally predicted. Of course, the lung issue is something that was not anticipated. He is off the ventilator as of yesterday but they immediately put him on a bi-pap machine (which sort of looks like a c-pap mask that people wear who have apnea.) But he can be off of that more and more -- just using a nasal cannula for oxygen.

The docs are saying it will probably be another 5-7 days in the hospital but hopefully not many more nights spent in ICU. He is not as strong, but that seems like a given due to laying in bed all the time and the fact that he hasn't had any food since last Tuesday. Tomorrow will be a week with no food or drink.

So, tonight I just ask for prayers that his fever will subside, that his lungs will improve greatly and he will regain strength.

Thank you.

Kasey Layne 9-29-12

I am pleased to report that today was....UNEVENTFUL!

Yes, it's too bad that he didn't get his ventilator out today. Yes, it's too bad that his lungs aren't totally cleared up and healthy enough to breathe on their own quite yet.

But it is wonderful that nothing new creeped up, he is in good spirits, constantly signing that he's hungry and thirsty and asking when he and I are outta here. He was even more alert today. The nurse said he is the best patient ever because most kids at his age who are on a vent have to be heavily sedated because they aren't compliant and are always yanking at their tubes. But they just tell him stuff and he listens to them. He is being so good for them. Usually he gives his nurses some heck. He really is filled with some supernatural peace and understanding beyond belief.

They had to give him two more units of blood today and fingers crossed that will be the last of his blood bank withdrawals. He listened to some music on his beloved IPOD today and his toes were a tappin'! He coughed up lots of yucky stuff today and the day nurse said his lungs sound better than they have since he got to the ICU. They take a chest xray every morning at 5:30 so hopefully tomorrow's will reveal that his productive coughing today means extubation tomorrow. They have cultured every possible excretion and so far no bacteria have grown. His fever seems to be dropping and as of tonight we can call it a low-grade fever. I like the sound of that!

He is still getting breathing treatments and every 4 hours his bed shakes, rattles, and rolls like the old hotel beds that required a quarter. That is to help loosen the secretions in his lungs to clear them out.

I required a little "mommy time-out" today as the reality of the last 3 days just hit me like a rock this morning. So when hubby and son got here today, they took me to lunch at RockBottom Brewery and then for a stroll along the 16th street mall while my mom and brother hung out with Kasey. Today was my brother's 23rd birthday so we got him a Zach Galifianakis T and a chicken that lays candy eggs :) It was good for a much needed laugh. I was in need of some off-color humor! I may need a few more mental health hours before our stay here is over. Tonight, I am grateful to all of you for your prayers and support. I very much prefer to be the one on the giving end but your support is a humbling reminder that God blesses us on the other side of the equation too.

Lots of love to you from the Christensen's.

Kasey Layne 9-28-12

This morning started out really rough. He was having some ventilator issues, respiratory therapy came in and tried some things, to no avail. Then the pulmonologist stopped in to talk long term stuff and the situation in the room quickly became an emergency. The pulmonologist left to get consent papers for an emergency bronchoscopy (the bronch was going to happen anyway, the emergency part...not so much). The floor doc said things might get dicey from there and I would need to leave the room after signing consent. I sat in the waiting room praying healing scriptures the entire time I was waiting. It felt like an eternity, but my husband said from the time I called and told him to get here to the time I called to tell him things were now ok it was only about half an hour. The breathing tube had kinked itself and no air was going in or out. They re-intubated him and didn't find anything alarming during the bronchoscopy. No swelling, no mucus, nothing worrisome. His lungs aren't healthy obviously, and he still has some atelectasis in his lower lobes but by the end of the day today, his lungs were sounding better and we are hopeful.

This was a setback in that now he has to be on the vent longer and in the ICU longer but praise God, nothing that has happened is hugely serious, just little setbacks. I will take those anyday. Although I do hope the worst is now behind us and we are going to begin moving forward tomorrow.

The rest of the day was just resting. Napping. Being thankful. And as much snuggling as we can do given that he's too big to pick up and hold! He's blowing kisses even though he has the vent in and my brother even got a 'peace out' sign from him tonight. He's signing that he's hungry, when's lunch, and his tummy is saying 'feed me'. Tomorrow he gets food. If they don't take the vent out they will at least start giving him nutrition through a tube. But he's hoping for some real food.

He is still fighting fevers. Please continue to pray that they will go away. They took him off the blood pressure meds and for the afternoon was more coherent than he has been so far. He had lots of visitors tonight and said he wanted to stay awake to see them rather than sleep. Physical therapy came and gave his legs a little work out. Hopefully tomorrow, if the vent comes out, he can try sitting up a bit. We are praying for a restful night for the both of us so we can hit it tomorrow with some forward movement. The swelling in his body has gone down after some Lasix and they are doing all kinds of stuff to get his lungs moving to shake stuff loose in there.

Thanks for continuing to pray. God really does have this and we all feel peace about it. Having faith is easy...it's being a mom that's hard -- watching our babies struggle...seeing too much of that in the ICU.

His mercies are new every morning.

Kasey Layne 9-26-12

Ok, so if you are following on Facebook you will already know most of this but I am doing this for those that don't have a facebook account and so I have  the record of it.

We checked in at Presbyterian/St. Luke's Rocky Mountain Hospital for Children yesterday at 7am. Kasey was calm as a cucumber the whole time, he even let them put his I.V. in without so much as a wince. He is usually never calm when it comes to this kind of stuff which is how I know all the prayers worked and the Holy Spirit was right there in my boy giving him supernatural peace beyond understanding. He agreed with me that I was being a crybaby and he gave us his new "Darth Vader" impression before we left him. There were 2 Orthopedic surgeons, one PA, one neuromonitoring specialist who had direct access to a neurologist, and an anesthesiologist in on his case. The docs said we would have an 8-12 hour surgery from prepping to finish so we settled in for the long haul.

At 11am the nurse came out to let us know the surgery had just started. They had a hard time getting a central line put in below his clavicle because as the anesthesiologist put it "his anatomy is weird". So they ended up putting it in his neck. His vitals were stable through the entire procedure.

At 1pm Kasey was still doing well, they had just gotten him all opened up and were then putting the screws in. The screws go on each side of almost all the vertebrae. Afterwards we learned they put in approx 30 screws.

At 3pm They had installed about 1/3 of the screws.

At 5pm The docs had the screws in place and were going to move on to placing the rods -- afterwards they told us they fully expected this to be their final hour of surgery. But Kasey's body had other plans...he was hooked up to neuromonitoring to monitor all nerves in the body and when they were trying to place stuff, Kasey's brain would have a fit, so they would have to back up a few steps and try again, tweak some more. They tweaked a total of 6 times before the doc came out at the 13 hour mark to let us know that Kasey was holding up well, but that his spinal cord was being extra sensitive to the changes they were trying to make so they were having to move extremely slow.

At 10 pm things were the same and nothing much had changed, they were still just trying to get him as straight as his spinal cord would allow. And obviously, now already past the 12 hour mark,it would be even longer.

At 11:45 pm they were finally closing him up and told us they would be done by about 12:30.

Surgery, all said and done, start to finish, was 16 hours.

At 12:45 am on Sept. 27 the surgeons finally came out, told us everything looked good and that Kasey was well on his way to losing quality of life had no intervention happened. His curvature had progressed to 85 degrees just since last x-ray. They also noted that his blood sugar was 250 in surgery and ended up having to give him insulin so we should have him checked out once all of this settles out. Nothing pressing at the moment, just something to keep on the radar and monitor.

We finally made it to the Pediatric ICU floor and got to see Kasey at about 1:30 or 2. I was quickly losing track of time by then.

So he had a decent night, they were having a hard time keeping the optimal blood pressure, which is higher than normal because they want good pressures in his spine for optimal healing. And they said it's normal to run a fever after surgery especially a major surgery like this but the concern is obviously for infection so they are monitoring him closely.

This morning it is looking like he will have at least the rest of today on the ventilator. They have discovered something in his heart/lung area that they want to have checked out so in the next hour or so we will be heading to CT to get a scan. Please continue praying with us that it is nothing, that the blood sugar thing is nothing, and that his stats and labs will stabilize so he can get off the ventilator. He is dying to talk and have a drink of water.

I told him I was going to leave him with Uncle Josh this morning so I could go down the hall and shower and he gave me a little wave as I went. He isn't talking because of the vent but he will use small hand gestures and nod his head. He is extremely swollen in the face due to being face down for 16 hours and he looks a little beat up, but I still see his huge spirit shining through.

So, I am thanking God for his provisions thus far and believing that CT, blood sugar, and all else is already taken care of and a non-issue and would love for you to join in prayer and thanksgiving with me. I will post again when I know more.

Thank you for standing in agreement with us,

Cynthia

Here are the updates since I last posted: CT scan showed a partially collapsed lower right lung, so he will have to stay on the vent until tomorrow. They will give him breathing treatments to try and open the lung up and if that doesn't work, then he will need a bronchoscopy to get it opened up. They think maybe the main tube going into his right lung got a little kinked while laying on his tummy for so long. He will get another chest xray in the morning to check progress. His fever and other stats are holding steady, it's just that his surgery was so long it just wreaked havoc on his little body. Because of his scoliosis, his right lung is only about 2/3 the size it should be so he will be seeing a pulmonologist to be followed up for restrictive lung disease. He has been out of it most of the day, they are keeping him very sedated. They are also infusing plasma, clotting factors, and minerals because he lost half his blood volume during surgery. They transfused blood last night, but his plamsa and clotting factors aren't at sufficient levels yet. The doc is confident, though, that he will get off the vent tomorrow.

Pray with us that no bronchoscopy will be needed and that the breathing treatments will penetrate those closed off airways.

The humor of today is 1) My brother decided that with all of his facial swelling he now looks like Jonah Hill from the movie 21 Jump Street.

And 2) He has 3 small reddish marks that are caused from insufficient grounding of the cauterizing tool. There are pads that go on the patient to "ground" the welding/cauterizing thingy they use in surgery. Well...the ironic/funny part is that hubby, Kasey's daddy, designed the transformer in the cauterizing tool! So the very power that caused the marks was created by his own dad! Of course, Eric says that the power wasn't the problem but instead it was the grounding pads being insufficient ;) We know that but it is fun to razz him a bit. Anyway, that's it for tonight. I will post again tomorrow. Goodnight and thank you for your prayers.

Update on Kasey's Surgery

Remember the "on again/off again" thing? It has arrived again :) We still have a surgery date but not Aug. 29th...it's now Aug. 30th. And now instead of doing the two surgeries together, only the spinal cord surgery will happen that day. The spinal fusion is now scheduled for Sept. 26th. The three docs got together and decided that research shows doing the two surgeries together increases the chances of complications. They were trying to lessen the amount of times Kasey had to go under the knife but in this case, it's not in his best interest due to the increased risk of complications.

The tethered cord release surgery will be around 90 minutes long and will only require 1-2 days in the hospital. Then the 4 week recovery before the fusion surgery. I have really, really just surrendered myself to the future knowing that God is in full control so my weepiness is subsiding and I am feeling hopeful and faith-filled. Every surgery Kasey has had, every time it seemed the odds were against him, this is the point I have gotten to and honestly, for me, a control freak, it's really nice to rest in the shadow of His wings and live in His strength. I was really drained!

Kasey, on the other hand, has had nothing but excitement for his surgery. He says he is tired of having back pain and ready to feel better. He keeps asking people to come for his surgery and if they are excited for it! Great-grandpa and grandma will be here Saturday for the first surgery and are coming back for the second also -- we are all excited for that! We are blessed with all the support we have as a family and also the amount of families from around the world that have reached out to us to share their children's journey down the same road. There is so much comfort in hearing similar stories and what it looks like from the other side of surgery.

Also, in my last post I forgot to mention our curvature degrees. This won't mean much to most of you but I am also using this blog as a way of organizing most pertinent info to keep in his medical records book (1 of 3 -- 3 ring binders full of med records). His thoracic curve is now at 78.9 degrees and his lumbar curve measures 43 degrees. I will post pics as we get closer to his big day to show the progression of his curve and for comparison after surgery. Another thing I forgot to mention in the last post was that he also has some kyphosis -- which is why he is hunched forward. The surgery should also fix that. He will be learning to walk all over again after surgery because the way he walks is compensatory for his curvature and what works best for him. With rods that attach to his pelvis, he will need to learn a whole new way to balance and manage himself. I expect that he will back up and dancing to the Michael Jackson experience (his fav!!) video game in no time!

Thanks for continuing to pray for him, our family, and our surgeons -- we really do feel the peace of prayers around here :)

Kasey's Scoliosis Journey

My son Kasey turns 14 on December 14th. His scoliosis was discovered just after his first birthday. It was of little consequence back then compared to his other health struggles. They were giving him an entire body work-up due to uncontrollable seizures when they discovered the scoliosis and a hole the size of a quarter in his little heart. At that time, the hole was the immediate concern because it was so large and even having a bowel movement could have caused him a heart attack. That was immediately fixed and we began monitoring his back. All these years he has been in multiple body casts and braces for months at a time to try to control the curvature.

In 2002, K had a partial spinal fusion in his lumbar area. They added cadaver bone to a vertebrae that was triangular-shaped and he went into a body cast immediately after for a few months. He was given a wheelchair and we were told not to let him walk for a while. So, I would pull the wheelchair up to our basketball hoop (because b-ball was his fav!) and my other son, Noah, just a year and a half old would fetch balls for him. I believe we only made it about a week before K figured out how to wiggle out of his chair and I found him standing up playing ball WITH Noah and that was the end of keeping him down. Same with his open heart surgery. Just a few days post-op, he was standing up in his hospital crib shaking the side of it! He sure is a trooper and if you know him, he's got a wonderful attitude so I'm sure that his upcoming surgery will be no different.

Since 2002, it has only been body casts, braces, and frequent doctor visits to closely monitor his growth. In late 2008 we got news that it was time to address surgery. We did everything needed and even drove through a massive snow storm to Salt Lake City Shriner's for the surgery. When we met with doctors however, they said it was a no-go. And we've been on the "surgery or not" roller coaster ever since. Some of you have been on that with us and probably got tired of us getting all ready for surgery only to say it was cancelled. It was very emotionally taxing, and honestly, it will be a relief not to have this major surgery looming over us anymore. We never could totally understand why surgery kept getting cancelled. Now we plainly see it was because no one really, really knew what the best plan of action was.

Last year in December we met with K's docs to discuss recent results of his spine MRI and CT. We were told that his spine had gotten worse and was very complicated. Shriner's deal with children and although K is a child, they said his back and spinal cord had issues more commonly seen in adults. They said they would need to consult with other docs around the country to see how to proceed because the risks of doing surgery on his complicated little back were just as risky as not doing surgery. There is an issue of his own vertebrae damaging his spinal cord if left untreated but to untangle and fix the mess that his back is in, comes with the same risks including paralysis, loss of bowel and bladder control, diminished quality of life, loss of the ability to walk, etc. It was very clear to me that we had now exceeded Shriner's scope of knowledge, the docs were perplexed, and we would need to find someone who was comfortable takeing his case.

We sat in limbo until about a month ago when I contacted some local docs recommended by Shriner's. Our new doc looked at the CT/MRI results and concluded the same -- it is highly risky, but surgery needs to be done immediately. The new info he presented, however, brought all the on again/off again limbo into clearer focus. What we hadn't been told previously was that his 2002 fusion was no longer in place, that he had a tethered cord (which is that his spinal cord is being pulled on at the bottom due to an attachment called a fatty filum), and a small syrinx or outpouching in his spinal cord. We had him tested years ago specifically for tethering and syringomyelia at the recommendation of our chiropractor. The results came back negative. You can imagine our shock last month to find out that those complications actually did exist and had existed all along. The issue is that someone might have overlooked these things because they were so small and hard to see. The on again/off again kept happening because in light of all the extra issues, surgery is risky and there is no guarantee it will makes things better and not worse. There is no manual, no story that is identical to what we are dealing with and hindsight will be our only guide as to whether we made the right decision or not. The awesome praise about that visit is that the doctor said he is so much more flexible that he should be (I think it's because our awesome Chiropractor worked on him nearly weekly since we found the scoli) and that kiddos with Kasey's degree of curvature have usually had multiple surgeries due to internal organ compromise...his organs are healthy and happy :)

So, a few weeks ago we met with a neurosurgeon to discuss spinal cord, tethering issues that would need to be addressed in their own surgery prior to the fusion surgery. She also met us with some perplexity. I should be used to this with K at this point because nothing in his life has been cut and dry. One doc years ago used him as a case study because of his complexities. The neuro said she would ask other neuro's and see what their opinions are because spinal cord surgery may be necessary but it may not be. Well, today her call came. He needs to have surgery for his tethering but originally we were told it would require two surgeries, now they are going to do the fusion and tethering in one. August 29th. That's our day. Tomorrow we go in for a pre-op appointment where we will learn more about what's to come. I've stalked these docs online and learned all I can about them and their reputations and I feel 100% comfortable with them doing it. Where I lose it is in the risks and the amount of pain they tell us Kasey will have post-op.

The expected outcome for him is that after 6 mos of recouperating, he will be able to join right back in to all the sports he loves! He should be able to walk further distances, and his daily back pain should become little to nothing. He should be straighter which will lighten the load on his organs, it could possibly cure his migraines as thethering of the cord can cause them. And it could give him enough height to slam dunk a basketball! (Well...almost!)

We are fully placing our faith in God and this hasn't come without lots of prayer. We feel peace about moving forward with surgery but we know there's no turning back once the decision is made. There is no way to know what the future holds. We feel it holds peace, health, prosperity, and long life for our son and we are holding tightly to that.

The neurosurgeon will go in and cut the attachment that is causing the tethering of his cord. The biggest risk with her is that she could cut a nerve root and it could cause numbness in a certain area. Her part is self admittedly easy compared to the other two docs'. The spinal fusion will be from neck to pelvis. It will be an 8-12 hour surgery with docs who have done many of these surgeries in third world countries with much less technology and even by candlelight. God led us to these doctors, of that I am sure. In the link below, you can learn about the fusion surgery as told by one of Kasey's actual doctors.

We know the power of God and resiliency of our kiddo so we ask you to join with us in praying for Kasey, our docs, and our family as we face this last foreseeable hurdle in Kasey's journey to wellness. I am not beyond begging for your prayers and in advance, thank you, because you will never know how much those mean to us.

I am planning on using this blog to regularly post updates to family and friends so feel free to subscribe if you want to stay in the loop. Any who know me, know I am not good at making/answering phone calls so this will be a good spot to get info.

I Prefer Distractions and Delusions...

     Today my thoughts have been ripped from my delusional, happy place back into reality. Let me tell you about my happy place. It's wonderful, really, really wonderful!

     My happy place exists only in my mind but being the imaginitive and highly convincing soul that I am, I exist there pretty much daily! It brings peace and contentment to some otherwise unnerving situations. It is a place where no one is sick, there are no medical issues, no specialists, no doctors, no bad news, no special needs, no worries about the futures or safety of my boys, no major medical bills, no blended families, no past baggage. In my delusional world, BOTH of my boys are healthy. My husband and I do not have a blended family but instead are a wonderful, solid little family -- who see eachother every single day. Our family is the most awesome in the whole world! We have grandkids and a daughter-in-law to die for. We have no one meddling in our lives, no one stirring up trouble. The awesome family, daughter-in-law, grandkid thing is actual REALITY. The farce of that is the blended part. There are parts of our lives that blend about as well as oil and water. Those are the things I ignore in my happy place. On a regular basis I am effective at ignoring those things and existing as if all is well. It has become a self-preservation mechanism for me, my health, for my marriage, for my sanity (well, what little sanity I had anyway).

     I have been re-doing my bathroom this week while my hubby was on business in Pennsylvania. I jumped into this project quickly initially thinking it was just because it needed done. I quickly realized it was really just a distraction from what was to come. I knew I was expecting a call at the end of the week. Today is the day the call is supposed to come in. Today I am sitting by my phone waiting...waiting on a  Neurosurgeon to tell me what the future holds regarding my 13 year old son and a spinal cord surgery. I am weepy, on edge, and yanked from my happy place. I have a good idea of what is to come. This spinal cord surgery is in question. But even if it doesn't happen, there's another definite spinal surgery immediately waiting in its wings. So the only question is: will he have one surgery or two? And when will this nightmare begin and end?

     I have faith in God. I have faith that He will come through for my son. I pray about it all the time and many others have joined us in regular prayer. It's not a lack of faith that makes me cry. It's not hope for the future. It's the pain my child will have to endure no matter what outcome awaits us on the other side. We sometimes question how much our son absorbs due to his mental challenges but the other day in the car when he sat quietly for a long while, I asked him what he was thinking about. He said he was thinking about his surgery pain. I would be stupid to think that I'm the only concerned with what is about to happen. It weighs on my child's mind. It weighs on all of us. However on a normal daily basis we could ignore these thoughts because they weren't yet imminent. Now it's staring me in the face and I miss my happy place. I can be so delusional regarding my son that his limitations will shock me all over again because I see him as so normal on my daily radar. My son has a speech problem???? Oh yeah, he does, I forgot! He isn't "normal"???? Oh yeah, I forgot. He has severe scoliosis??? I guess I remember that.

     I love delusionality and when I can't be in that space, I love me some distractions. It's not all bad though, my bathroom now looks AWESOME! And my happy place is vacant now for a (short) while, so if anyone is looking to get away, I would be willing to rent it out for a small charge!

And most importantly, if and when you think of us, say a prayer for our family. What is to come for us is the biggest mountain we've had to climb with Kasey in about 10 years. Good or bad, I feel out of practice with handling reality.

How To Win Friends And Influence People

     My step-son serves in the Army. He puts his life on the line constantly, he and his family make sacrifices that many families/people would not be willing to make. Why? He fights for our freedom. He fights for our rights. One of those rights is freedom of speech. But is it me or does it seem like freedom of speech doesn't really exist anymore? Many times this year I have begun organizing thoughts to put here and then stopped because I didn't want to deal with the fallout of the hateful people who can't respectfully disagree. So often Christians, like myself, are judged with such extreme and skewed measures. Take for instance the fallout from the Chick-fil-A drama. All the guy did was state his opinion. Somehow his opinion was warped into hatred. Differing opinions does not equal hatred. And all the "It Gets Better" Anti-gay bullying stuff really becomes extremely ironic in this light. They don't want to BE bullied, but they feel free TO bully if you don't agree with them. There are extremes in every religion/group that truly HATE. Chick-fil-A's giving record is being likened to giving to hate-groups. Christians are not called to hate. They are called to love all. That doesn't mean we have to agree with all, it means we have to love all regardless. I really don't feel that others are fighting for equality. It seems they emerged from the proverbial "closets" just looking for another group to bully back into the closet in their place. Bullying into silence.

     So many people have been telling how Chick-fil-A should have just kept their mouths shut so as not to rock the boat, not to lose business. I understand that our opinions are not always best shared. But at some point in life, we need to stand on and sometimes publicly own, the principles that we value. We all need moral absolutes (even if they differ) and to not just be moved by pop culture. Whether athiest, Christian, gay or straight, purple or blue  -- we must value some things enough to stand up for them. Of course, the extremist beliefs that endanger others' lives are not the values I am speaking of, so don't go all terrorist ninja on me. And whether or not we agree with others, we must respect their opinions. We don't have to like them but we must try to peacefully agree to disagree.

     I understand that our nation isn't a "Christian nation" as our Commander-In-Chief says. I understand that we are a melting pot of beliefs and value systems. Here is what I don't understand...why can't we all play nice???

     I find it refreshing when someone has passion enough to stand 100% on their value system and not back down. Even if I don't agree with them. We aren't going to win people over to our way of thinking by bullying and degrading them. We may silence them, but we won't win them. Is silence a victory?

I myself am guilty of giving in to silence recently, so as not to rock the boat. But we lose part of ourselves when we can't be honest. Homosexuals know this to the core. When we are silenced, it is because we have been made to feel like something about us is shameful. So, how is it that some who have already experienced this oppression are so quick to want to pass it on? If we want our opinions to be valued, we must first place equal value on others' opinions. At some point you would think we would all put our "big-girl panties" on and realize we aren't always going to agree and that it's ok. We aren't all going to start from the exact same foundation and end at the exact same conclusion. But since we are all stuck in the sandbox together, we might as well play nice and not throw sand in each others' eyes! Either that or we should stop calling America "The Land Of The Free" and my step-son should be home with his wife and kids every single night and stop laboring in vain for our "freedom".

Dear Mom

Following is a letter I wrote for a friend who lost her 6 year-old son last October. This is her first Mother's Day without him. I think it speaks volumes to the grief of birthmother's also, so I am sharing it here today. We so often think of Mother's day as being joyous, but for so many, it is a sobering reminder of empty arms and holes left in hearts. Peace and blessings to everyone this day.

Dear Mom –

            Happy Mother’s day! I am sorry I can’t be with you today but we have an eternity full of days to celebrate in the future. Mom, I know you miss me. I know Mother’s day makes you sad; especially this first one without me. I never wanted to break your heart and I was mostly meant to bring you joy. Will you remember that on this day?

            I was picked especially for you, even if it was for too short of a time. While I was with you, I brought you joy, but now you must remember that it’s the Lord’s time to bring you joy. My departing brought you intense grief, but My Heavenly Father, your Heavenly Father, will bring hope and joy renewed with each brand new morning. Mom, please hold on to that promise. Please hold on to Him. Hold on to the hope that our last goodbye really was the last goodbye. When we meet again, those words will never be spoken between us again.

            Thank you for who you are. Thank you for the great love you gave me. Thank you for everything you have done for me up to this point. It is now time to honor me by doing for you. Honor me by feeling alive again. Honor me by living each day with the intense purpose and vitality you had while I was with you. It’s ok to be sad, but honor me by letting it only be sometimes. You always put me first and I thank you for that selfless love, but it’s time for self-love. Honor me by learning to love and see yourself how God see’s you Mom. You should hear the way He speaks of you! He loves you with a fire that burns brighter and hotter than the sun – and that’s on the days you feel you’ve let Him down! Mom, please keep Him first and foremost in your heart. He really is truth and love and healing and all those things you need for the rest of your journey on Earth.

            In those moments when you can actually physically feel the hole I left in your heart by my departure, go to Him Mom. Let him fill that hole up so you don’t sink in the waters of your grief. I came to you to be a blessing straight from God and He never meant for the focus to be on my departure but instead, on our time spent together – on the blessing of our journey together. Remember that, Mom. On this Mother’s day, remember the blessings.

I love you with all my heart and am thankful that He gave you to me as My Mother. And He loves you even more than I ever could! Always remember that.